Chapter
Twelve - Time for a Break
Towards the end of 1980 I got the rest of my father's money but I did not say anything about it to anyone.
Christmas 1980 was one of the most awful I had ever had. We had three rows in about a week, including one on Christmas day itself.
I had taken photos of the three children together and the chemist had included in the return pack some blank Christmas cards with a place to insert your photos. I thought it would be a nice idea to send one to my mother and give one to his parents. There was no perfect photo although they were very clear. In one, Michael's eyes were slightly closed and in another Cathy was slightly out of focus, but I knew that grandparents would still appreciate them. I stuck them onto the cards and showed John and he flew into one of his usual rages and said they were terrible photos and he was not having anything as poor as that shown to anyone and he would take more photos and how could I think that they would be acceptable. I pointed out there wasn't time to take any more and it was just a nice idea as I had the cards and the photos in time for Christmas.
Anyway he did partly win as although I sent one to my mother I did not dare to give one to his family. On Christmas eve, I planned to go shopping at Sainsbury's to get all the extra Christmas food in, which would be a considerable weight to carry. I took my shopper on wheels but mentioned to John that there would be an awful lot to carry, and he said he would come and meet me and bring his rucksack so he could help get the stuff home. John was not at home when we set off I took one of his rucksacks thinking Michael could help as well and the weight would then be shared three ways. When we got to the checkout counter, John had still not arrived and we managed to pack everything in the shopper and the smaller rucksack, although they were both very full and very heavy.
We sat outside Sainsbury's on a wall and then John arrived on his bicycle
and carrying his other rucksack. I was pleased to see him and thought that now
we could re-arrange everything so that Michael did not have to have such a load
on his back, but when John saw we had another rucksack, he flung down his large
rucksack on the ground and muttered some angry comment about wasting his time,
and before we could speak or explain, he cycled off, leaving the three of us to
struggle home with all the shopping. Cathy carried the empty rucksack, dragging
it along the pavement, and Michael had to walk the whole way with the heavily
packed rucksack on his back. I was so angry and upset that I thought I would
just walk out and go and help the down and outs with 'Crisis at Christmas' in
central London and leave John to explain to his family where I was. I walked in
the front door expecting there to be some terrible row in which I would storm
out, and instead he took the wind out of our sails by saying in a friendly way
as we came in 'Would you like a cup of tea?' This sort of thing often happened.
He would get some inner rage off his chest by taking it out on others, and
after that he would be happy, although no one else was!
I used to love the night before Christmas and found it was often I who couldn't
sleep, imagining the children opening their presents. So I tried to forget the
upset and enjoy Christmas as usual.
In the morning we all sat in the lounge exclaiming about our presents and showing each other what we had got, and I had the most wonderful present from John. I have always been very excited about maps, and had several of London over the years. I had mentioned to John that there was a new atlas out which was very large and contained the whole of Greater London. As I loved going on excursions and seeing new places with Rover bus tickets, this would be most helpful to me. It had never occurred to me that I would actually get it as I did know it was very expensive so I was overjoyed and said something like 'I never expected to get something so lovely'. John took the whole thing amiss, went up to his room and lay on the bed staring at the ceiling. I left the children and went upstairs and tried to find out what was wrong. He was very angry and said that I was suggesting that he was mean and would not spend money on me. I had never for a moment thought anything of the kind and as usual I was taken completely by surprise by his anger and outburst. He refused to come down to breakfast so I ate with the children but they all knew something was wrong and it put a considerable damper on the morning. It was then, on that Christmas morning, that I decided I would never never spend another Christmas with John.
He did eat his dinner but the atmosphere was far from perfect. I wondered what he would be like in the afternoon at his parents' house, but I need not have worried. He often rallied in front of other people so it looked as if I was the moody difficult one if I was depressed about a recent scene. So the evening family tea went very smoothly.
A few days later Mary asked if I would like to have a lunch with her at the Bull & Crown in Chingford. She said Don might come along too. She and Don seldom went out together although by this time she knew his wife and they were all friends. Don had wanted her to befriend his wife and Mary had reluctantly agreed. However she had got used to the idea and although one supposes his wife did not know the exact nature of their relationship, she did know that Mary was a friend of his. The three of them occasionally went on holiday together, and Mary would see her on her own too.
However on this occasion, only the three of us went to lunch. John had taken the children out somewhere for the day. It was a memorable day for me because that was the day that I first decided what I was going to do and how I was going to do it. Don was not actually part of this discussion, I think he was chatting to other friends in the pub. I said to Mary that it had occurred to me that I could visit my mother again at Easter but this time not return to John. The more I spoke, the more the idea took shape. Mary has always been a good listener and I think she must have thought 'Just let her rattle on, it won't happen'. I asked if I could store stuff in her garage or in her spare bedroom and she agreed. There were still dozens of things to sort out in my mind, but the basic idea was there.
I went home from Chingford that day and started to make notes and think it out in a practical way. First I would tell the family that I was visiting my mother again at Easter. That was the easy part. I would not say much to my mother, but would give hints. I would not say anything at work because of the link between the book-keeper and the lady who worked at John's school. I knew they kept in touch.
The problems and complications were mind-boggling. I had to get my personal
belongings out of the house without it being apparent. I had to sort out my
financial affairs so that John could not find out where I was through checking
on account details. I had to make sure that John knew what to do about the
money as I handled all those sort of matters, so I would have to leave
explanations and paperwork that he could find later.
I would have to change my address to Mary's for any correspondence, financial
or otherwise, which might arrive after I went to South Africa.
I had to be careful not to tell Jennifer too much in case she would be blamed for collusion and yet would know what to do to reach me in the initial weeks after my return to London. I knew that I must have a brief period in England to sort out the purchase of a flat and a new job before I had to face the emotional storm that lay ahead. I could not see far enough ahead to know exactly what would happen or how it would ever work out so I just made lists of anything I could think of that might be difficult and crossed off things that I had sorted out. I knew I would need a much better full time job in order to pay a mortgage. In the 3 years since my father had died, the cheaper flats in Walthamstow, which was near enough for Cathy to get back and forth to, had gone up from £8,000 to about £17,000.
I also had to have somewhere to live immediately on my return to London. I had seen an advertisement for a women's hostel near Elephant & Castle and one Wednesday I went to see the place. It was run by a Catholic man called Terry and it had been going since about 1914. They had started to take in occasional men, for instance foreign civil servants who needed temporary accommodation. There were 200 single rooms. Bathrooms of a very old fashioned kind which I found fascinating were at the end of each long corridor. There were two comfortable television lounges for BBC1 and ITV and another television was in the dining room for the slightly more recently started BBC2. Terry also showed me the library where all the daily papers were supplied for the residents. He told me that the rent was £40 a week but this included all food except for weekday lunches. It was a strange dusty looking place but it seemed just the sort of thing I needed.
I did not dare tell him that I was married or intending to leave my husband as he was a Catholic. I simply said that I was going to South Africa and leaving my current accommodation and wanted to book in to stay at the hostel on my return. Elephant and Castle is in South London and is a long way from South Woodford. I paid a deposit and was grateful that that part at least was arranged. The problem was that the rent was almost my entire weekly part-time salary. If there had not been a connection between John and the lady at work, I could have given notice before leaving the country and then organised another job to start when I returned but this was too dangerous. I had also to make sure that no one knew which flight I was returning from South Africa on, as someone might come to Heathrow and plead with me to return home.
Therefore I realised I would have to tell a few actual lies. I have never been good at lying - evasion and deceit maybe, but not direct lies. My actual nature is open and I like telling everyone everything when possible. For three months, I thought and thought and lay sleepless at night, planning and worrying about all the implications. There were three actual lies I would have to tell. One was that when I wrote from Durban to say I was not returning to the home, I would have to say I was not coming on the arranged return flight. In actual fact, I had checked on this and as it was a cheap flight, there was no way I could have changed the return date without paying a lot extra that I could not afford.
The second lie would be at work. I would have to give notice immediately on my return at the end of the three week holiday and tell them that I could only give two weeks' notice instead of a month because a very suitable local job had arisen whilst I was out of the country and they were not prepared to wait for me any longer. This would sound boring and I hoped would not be transmitted to Phyllis, the helper at John's school, but if it were, I would already be back in the country in temporary hiding.
The third lie would be that in my letter that I would send to John from Durban I would have to say that I had already left work. Otherwise he would be able to turn up there and cause a scene or he might ring me there. I knew if I told him that I had left he would never contact them as his pride would be involved and he would think they all knew about my leaving him. In fact the only person at work who I told in advance was Ilma, who was on the switchboard and was a trusted friend. She had instructions to say I had already left to anyone who rang me at work in the two weeks of my notice period. I also had to make sure that none of the girls at work would have any reason to ring me after working hours, at what they thought was my home number, during those two weeks and could not quite think how to arrange that. They did not often ring but it was possible and you can imagine how puzzled they would be if John were to tell them I was still in South Africa when they had been working with me that day. A few months later when things had cooled down, I told Ilma that she could tell June, Ruth and Margaret my news.
I moved my money from the Building Society where John thought I had an account and transferred it to the Walthamstow Building Society who I thought might be friendly when I wanted a mortgage in the area. It had to be in Walthamstow that I would look for a flat because there was an easy bus connection from there to both South Woodford, and also to where Nanny and Granddad lived. I knew that John would want to see Cathy a lot and as she was only 10 years old, I could not move too far away. Also she still went to school in Woodford and I did not want too many things to change in her life at one time.
I wrote to the Insurance man and paid him two months in advance for the policy which I had taken out and paid for. I did not want anything to lapse but I could not change my address as he also might call for insurance business connected with John's bicycle and this I did not have the paperwork for. I made a note that when I was settled I would have to contact him and continue paying the premium. I took my insurance book to South Africa with me.
Every Tuesday when Mary came for tea, I would see her off at the front door which although upstairs, was on street level. In the bottom of my wardrobe I had carrier bags of stuff ready to take. I would silently hand them to her and she would say 'goodbye' and take them out to her car. Naturally, I removed nothing that would make life difficult for the family. I took my own personal things, summer clothes that I would need by the time I returned at the end of April, my hairdryer, ice skates, books I really loved, my own records, scrap books, those sorts of things.
The only gadget I took was the rolling pin which had been a Christmas present from Michael. I thought it might hurt his feelings if he noticed I had left it. John never made pastry but a few months later, I suppose in order to put me in a bad light, he went to his mother and borrowed her rolling pin, saying that I had taken his one. It was very difficult making sure the absence of things did not show so it had to be done very gradually. In fact there were not enough Tuesdays between January and March to simply give carrier bags to Mary. On a few of my Wednesdays off, I had to get a taxi and take suitcases to put in Mary's garage while she was out at work. The bookshelves very gradually became stacked more loosely, and the cupboards became less crammed. I took certain photographs I particularly loved out of recent albums and all my early pre-John albums, but left all the rest for John.
Much later I found I need not have worried about this as he was so scornful of my photography, he didn't even want them and sent them back to me via Michael. As to crockery, well, we had ten of everything from a collection where I had acquired them cheaply from a supermarket with vouchers. I took four of everything gradually and left him six, which seemed fair enough. I knew there would still be dozens of things to buy. I could not take any basics like saucepans, kettle, iron or anything that belonged to the household and was needed. I left clothes in my wardrobe that I did not like or wear much and regretfully left my only warm dressing gown behind the door as I thought its absence might be noticed.
For the whole three months I felt slightly sick all the time. I sat in the
lounge during the evenings staring and staring round the room and thinking of
the 16 years I had lived there, my longest lasting address ever, and wondering
if I would ever have the nerve to go through with it all. I know now that Mary
never thought I would. She imagined she would just have to bring everything
back again when it was all over. I knew Cathy would be very upset when I did
not return but I thought I had explained the basic situation to her well enough
and that she would know that I would do everything I could to see her as much
as possible and to make a home where she could come to me. I did not think it
would be too terrible for a child to have two homes as long as they were both
happy, its the trouble between the parents that spoils everything.
One day about a month before I left, she was talking about John and our rows and she said 'Why don't you just go to South Africa and not come back here?' I had a terrible fright at this as I thought that she might say something or worse, be blamed by John later for not having warned him. I tried to change the subject very quickly. She doesn't remember this now, either. The whole thing must have been so traumatic to a ten year old that she seems to have blotted out in her mind a lot of things that happened, whereas Michael and Jennifer remember everything much more clearly.
I decided to buy Cathy some lovely present and hide it so that when she got my letter explaining I wasn't coming back, she would have a present, if not to distract her, at least as some tiny compensation. I put a Sindy house pack under her bed which I did not think would ever be disturbed and if it had been found too early, John would think it was a birthday present I had hidden.
I made notes planning all the letters I would have to write. I decided I would have to write two letters to Mary and Jennifer. One real letter, saying exactly what was going on and one that they could show to John if necessary saying something like 'You will be very surprised to hear that I have left John etc etc ...' The reason Mary had to have a pretend letter was in case John went to see her and ask her what she knew about it. As it turned out later, he apparently almost did this, then changed his mind. But when planning, I had to make sure that she would be covered and not blamed for the help she had given me.
Writing to John's mother was going to be exceptionally difficult. I drafted a few of the necessary letters whilst still at home, one to Barbra and struggled with the one to her mother. She had been so kind to me and I knew this would be every bit as shattering to her as finding out about Barbra's relationship with Alan, possibly more because she might think she would not see her grandchildren as much. However I was concerned to point out that I would make sure she did.
I did not expect any forgiveness at all. I anticipated a total break with the family and possibly even hatred. But I knew it was important that nothing spoiled the relationship between the children and their nanny and Granddad.
In my letter, I did not try to justify my action too strongly, just said how sorry I was, at least I think this is what I said, I can't really remember my words. I could not write the actual letters until I had South African airletters and stamps. The awful thing was that I knew that during the three-week visit, I would have to write and send normal holiday letters and cards to all the family as well.
I worried for days about how I would get a reference for whatever new job I applied for. I would not be able to get one from Callingham Crane if I had said I already had a local job in South Woodford. I thought and thought about it and then remembered Jeff! He was the only person who could help me about this. I had worked for him, he knew I was good at spelling and could type quickly and was reliable. He probably had a letterhead by now. That cheered me up a lot. There was a way out of this problem. I had not seen Jeff for over a year but one day when I had to go into London to arrange something else, and could not go to Mary's garage with extra bags, I took them to his office instead, but found that he was out.
However, the people in the outer office who rented him the inside room did not object to my going in. They may have recognised me from the previous year but anyway a lot of clients brought round carrier bags of paperwork, invoices etc. to be sorted by Jeff. I knew how untidy he was and that he had large cupboards in his office. I put my bags right on top of one of these cupboards almost squashed under the ceiling where they would not cause any annoyance and left a note for him, without much explanation, saying that I had left some stuff there and would explain it all later. I knew he would not mind.
The last few days were the worst of all. I looked so white and ill I wondered that no one noticed. I had always felt that a marriage without love was very little different from prostitution except that payment was a roof over one's head and the housekeeping money. But the night before leaving, I felt particularly uncomfortable about my deceit and knowing this was the last night I would ever spend in this bed. On the 7th April, in the morning, I had stomach pains and wondered if I were going to be sick. I had told everyone it was not necessary to see me off. This was essential as Mary had rung the night before to say there was more post for me sent to her address, so I had to go to her bank to fetch it before leaving. Still no one noticed my white face although Mary said I looked terrible when she saw me. I was flying by Iberian Airways with a long wait at Madrid airport and a short stop at Nairobi.
My mother was in Johannesburg visiting friends at the time. They were very rich and had a large house and I knew it would be all right to turn up there unexpectedly. My mother always worried so much about me I did not want to say anything until I arrived. She would not only have worried about what I was doing, but also about the fact I was flying. The previous year she had been crying when I reached the airport waiting place, thinking I was not on the plane because I did not come out straight away.
I spoke to no one on the two-hour flight to Madrid but I finished the whole draft letter to John. However there was a long wait at Madrid for the second plane and I spoke to an Indian lady with a young daughter who like me had no Spanish money. We thought pounds and rands would be sufficient. It was very hot and we wanted to buy a drink but found they would only take certain currencies at the airport at that time. Luckily a Scottish businessman heard us trying to order and came and joined us. Another young South African lad also joined us. The Scottish man whose name I never found out paid for us all and said it was no problem. From then on we all stayed together.
He made the journey frequently and was very interesting to talk to. On the next long flight I moved and sat next to him as the plane was not as full as usual. He did not know who I was so it did not seem to matter that I told him everything. I was in a very nervy state and he just listened and asked about my plans. When we reached Johannesburg, we went by bus to a central terminal. He insisted on waiting while I telephoned my mother. I said to my mother 'I'm here' and she said 'Where?' When I said 'Johannesburg' she was naturally astonished. Her friend drove her straight in to pick me up and the Scottish man waited until she arrived although I assured him that this was not necessary. I was lucky to meet someone like that at such a traumatic time. My mother agreed that we could return to her flat in Durban as her visit to Johannesburg was almost over anyway and we caught the train down.
This was a very nostalgic trip for me and reminded me of my childhood holidays. Northern Natal is so beautiful in the early morning mist and I woke early on the sleeper to look out at the scenery. My mother supported me in my plans but was just terribly worried. For a start she was worried about what John would do. She made me promise I would not see him alone initially as she thought his rage might be so overwhelming that he would hurt me physically, so I made her this promise. We had a lot of practical plans to discuss. Firstly there was the question of the letters. I wanted them to reach their destination before my expected date of return, so that no-one would go to the airport, but not so early that there would be too much time for John to telephone or plan anything.
Secondly, I wanted John to get his first and then a day later when he had had time to digest the contents, I hoped Jennifer and Mary would get both their real and pretend letters and that Barbra would get hers. In my real letter to Jennifer, I said she must get in touch with John as it would seem strange if she didn't. I also tried to make it clear to Jennifer without giving her too much information that John would try to coax from her, that she must contact Mary continually to let her know what had happened. This was so I could ring Mary to find out all the latest family news. It wouldn't have been fair to tell Jennifer anything too clearly that might have made it more difficult for her.
Then my mother and I went to the main post office and to a local postbox and wrote test letters to Mary to see how long they took to arrive. We had three weeks to do all these things. Mary then wrote back with the dates received of letters 1 and 2. So it was decided that John's letter would be posted at the post office a day before Jennifer's and the others were posted from the local box. It was a very stressful time and hardly a holiday and I did not contact all my usual friends. I did not want to speak to anyone apart from my mother. There was no problem with the telephone until the letters reached England. My mother had a telephone you could disconnect and so when we thought the time was right, she disconnected the phone at about 8 am which was 7 am in England. She plugged it in if she needed to make a call and then disconnected it again.
Unfortunately she had to continue in this way for several weeks afterwards
too, because John might have rung me there as what I was saying in my letters
was that I would not return for a while, and would contact everyone when I did.
I had deleted her phone number from our address and phone book at home but I
knew that he might still ring International Directory Enquiries. The next plan
was to take several South African airletters back with me so I could answer his
letters and send them to my mother who
would post them to him. Then when he wrote back she would enclose them in an envelope
and post them to me. We knew this would mean he would not get a reply for about
20 days but I could not see any other way out.
Another difficulty was that Barbra worked quite near the Accountants in the City and there was just a faint chance that she might see me, although the fact I was part time and worked from 10 am until 3 pm without a lunch break meant it was not too likely. Just in case, though, we went to a department store in Durban and I bought two wigs for the price of one on a Special Offer. One was black and one was an auburn colour. They were quite good ones with shoulder length wavy hair. I hoped that from a distance I would not be instantly recognisable. My mother was not too sure about this. She said it was the way people walked that gave them away.
Before leaving London, I had telephoned the Walthamstow Building Society and they had said that I would need an annual salary of £6,000 a year in order to get a £15,000 mortgage. I only had about £4,000 left by this time and would need at least a 10% deposit plus all the usual legal and survey fees, not to mention starting again with household equipment and furniture, linen and curtains.
When it got near to the time to post the letters, my mother asked if I was sure about what I was doing. She pointed out that it was not too late to change my mind as so far, nothing irretrievable had happened. She said she thought I was very brave but wished, as I did, that it could have been done openly with John's agreement. She realised as anyone who knew him would have known that this unfortunately was not possible.
But I said I would definitely go through with it having come so far, and so we started posting the letters and then disconnected the phone.
I left Durban on a Wednesday and arrived at Heathrow on Thursday morning. I was still worried that someone just might be able to find out from the Airline that I was in fact still on the passenger list so I stayed in the luggage retrieval section for over an hour before going through Customs and out into the airport. I pretended to be packing and re-packing my suitcase and tried to make it look convincing in case any 'Big Brother' type people were watching my strange behaviour. I waited until I could see new flights come in with different coloured stickers on their baggage and I was sure every South African had long gone. Then I went through.
I telephoned my mother from an international call box to set her mind at rest that I had reached London safely and from then on, there is a bit of a blank. I simply can't remember how I got to the hostel. I have tried and tried, I don't know if I went by Underground or caught the Airbus or what I did in central London. It was rather like the time when I had worked at the laundry and was in a state and couldn't remember getting there one day. Anyway I did get there and as I had written from Durban to confirm my date of arrival at the hostel, there were no hitches and I was shown into one of the small cell-like bare rooms. There was a bed, a side table, a bigger table and an old fashioned wardrobe. There may have been a chair but maybe there was no room for one. I had been awake all night on the plane and I just curled up on the bed and went into a sound sleep. I remember waking up and wondering where I was at first. Someone knocked on my door and wondered if I wanted to come to dinner. They were sent up to fetch me as I was new and they thought I might not know the times for meals. I went down to the basement dining room. The food was very good there. There were two or three choices of both main meal and desserts. There was always one salad meal as one of the three choices.
I found out that if you wanted to reduce your rent, you could do an hour's work for a pound. In the five weeks I was there, I often did this to help me financially. You were allowed to choose what you wanted to do, and tell Terry the owner. I swept the extremely filthy stairs once and cleaned two baths out on another occasion. Most of the time I helped in the kitchen. They needed someone at 6 am to start the breakfasts. There was a full time Chinese cook called Tony who was in charge. As I did not start work in the City until 10 am this was no problem to me. Also on some Sundays I helped with the dinner. Once I peeled onions in a huge bowl for about two hours. Catering for 200 people is quite a big deal!
But on that first night, I did not know all these things. I went back to my room after dinner and lay on the bed thinking. I had a paperback book by Leon Uris, a writer I usually enjoyed reading, but on which at this time I was absolutely unable to concentrate. I kept reading the same bits over and over and finally gave up. I just closed my eyes and thought. I was not expected at work until the following Tuesday as it was the May Bank Holiday weekend, but I thought I would go into work the next day, the Friday, for two reasons. One, to say everything that needed saying so that no one would ring me at home to ask about my holiday and two, to give my two weeks' notice in and apologise for not giving a month's notice.
This all went as planned and was my first experience of wearing the wig. There was an underpass near the hostel to reach the road where the 21 bus went to Finsbury Square. It was not a very busy underpass and I found it quite easy if I had the wig ready to put it on while going through. I did not want to have to wear a wig at the hostel unnecessarily. When I got to the office building, it was not at the time others were arriving or leaving so I took the wig off in the vestibule near the lift. It was all done very quickly and I had to fluff up my hair with my hands to make it look more normal. After I had explained about the local job, they had all been very nice and said they hoped I would be happy and how much easier and cheaper it would be for me without all the travelling. I then went to the West End and bought a lightweight raincoat, different in style and colour from any other coat I had, so again it would not be recognisable from a distance. I went to see Jeff who seemed pleased to see me but very surprised when I told him the whole story. He agreed he would do a reference if necessary for me. If he was worried that I would be a nuisance to him now that I was free, he did not show it and was very friendly.
Then I went back to the hostel. There were pay telephones at the hostel and I rang Ilma at home that night. She invited me to spend the Bank Holiday Monday with her husband, Richard and her in Coulsdon in Surrey. That was a safe direction for me to go towards. I also phoned some Walthamstow Estate Agents and asked them to send me details of two bedroomed flats at about £15,000 to £18,000. That weekend was awful. It seemed to go on forever. I felt so peculiar and lonely and cut off from everyone. I went to East Street market and bought some small odds and ends I needed and tried to sleep a lot. At last Monday came when I had the invitation to Ilma.
I woke at the crack of dawn and got ready. I thought it would take some time to get to Coulsdon by bus so I set off without wanting breakfast as soon as I was dressed. I caught a bus to Purley and got off at the wrong stop and walked a long way and caught another bus and believe it or not, I still got to Ilma's house before they had breakfast. I was rather embarrassed but they took it quite calmly. Richard was still in his dressing gown and I had breakfast with them. Ilma was and is still the perfect hostess and housekeeper. Her meals are served beautifully and any house she lives in is perfect condition and spotless. It was nice to be with people who knew what was going on in my life. I think Mary was away that weekend.
Ilma gave me the name of their Solicitor and said I should see him and make sure everything was written down in case I had trouble regarding custody of Cathy or it looked as if I had meant to leave her rather than John. They said John should give me some money as part of the house as I had lived in it for 16 years and brought up his children there. I was not at all sure about this but realised it would be a good thing that some legal person knew what exactly had happened.
There was very little I could do before finding a job and first I had to work out my two weeks' notice. The next weekend I went to Mary. I was very worried about going to the North East corner of London where I knew so many people, so I set off very early and passed through Stratford and reached Leyton before eight in the morning. I caught a bus to Chingford from Leyton. I needed to go to Mary as there were things I needed in the hostel, like my hairdryer, umbrella and slightly warmer clothes than I had taken with me for the Durban climate. On the Sunday afternoon she drove me to Tottenham in North London and I caught a bus from there back to the Elephant and Castle.
On weekday evenings too, I sometimes helped with the meals or the washing up afterwards. It was something to do to take my mind off, apart from being a financial help. I had always liked drawing pencil portraits of people and could get a likeness. During the years of being in shows, I had often sat drawing people in the dressing room at the times when the chorus was not on stage. So I took my art stuff which I had also fetched from Mary and sat in the hostel library some evenings and put a notice up on the board that I would draw anyone who would like to pose. I had these drawings photocopied at work the next day and gave the originals to the people themselves. I still have a set of these, mostly Middle Eastern students and the Chinese Cook but also some of the residents, both male and female. There were some very odd people who had been there for years. Terry was very kind, when the rents went up from time to time, he only charged new entrants the new rates and the old residents went on paying the same. There was a thin older lady who clutched a doll and muttered to it on the stairs, there was a wild eyed neurotic woman about my age who offered me sleeping pills when I told her I could not sleep and Terry told me not to get too mixed up with her as she could be a problem, and so I tried to avoid her. I watched television sometimes, but my concentration was very poor. It was better if I drew portraits or worked in the kitchen.
In my last week at the Accountants, I went and registered with an agency after work and gave them the hostel telephone number. I told them I wanted a permanent job but would take any job the following Monday until a suitable one came along.
They found me temp work somewhere near Charing Cross on the first Monday. It was a most unfortunate day for me. I had been doing audio typing for five years but the machine at this office was quite different. No matter how hard I tried I could not get the hang of it. I would touch the foot control gently and it would shoot right back to the beginning of the tape. By the end of the day I had only managed to type two letters. At about 4 pm the Agency rang me and said the firm did not want me a second day as I was not good enough. I explained about the machine and they found me a temporary copy typing job the next day in the same area. This time it was the typewriter which caused the trouble. It was one of the new IBM golfball ones which I had never used. The touch was quite different and it jumped and I pressed too hard. However by the end of the afternoon I was beginning to get the hang of it and knew that the next day I would be OK as I was basically a very fast and accurate touch typist. But the inevitable call came from the Agency saying this place did not want me either. I felt very embarrassed and on the Wednesday I went to the Holborn Job Centre.
There I had some luck. There was a knitwear firm off Regent Street, near Piccadilly Circus that wanted a permanent secretary. The Job Centre lady said the job had just come in, had I been ten minutes later or earlier, it might not have been there. I went straight to the interview and was very pleased to see that the typewriter was the very same IBM golfball I had practised on the day before. The man who was the Export Sales Manager, Mr Jenn, dictated a letter to me, which I typed beautifully. He was very impressed as grammar and spelling were very important to him, as they were to me. He said he would telephone me if I had the job as he first wanted to confer with his colleague, the British Sales Manager. I was in a fever of suspense. I had given him Jeff's name and address as a referee and said that I had previously worked part time in Covent Garden and now needed full time work as my marriage had broken up.
That night he phoned and confirmed that I could start work on the Friday when I would be able to meet the colleague usually based at Leicester. What a relief that was. I explained to him that I needed to earn £6,000 but the salary was only £5,500 for a probationary period of three months. However he said he would tell any Building Society enquirer that I did earn £6,000. He wrote to Jeff asking for a reference and posted it himself. I rang Jeff on the Monday and confirmed that he had received the reference request. He had, so I went to Covent Garden after work and Jeff dictated his reply which I typed on one of the outer office machines. I then went and posted the letter to Mr Jenn! The next day Mr Jenn said 'Guess what came in the post today' and I had to look surprised. So that obstacle was settled.
On the Saturday I went bewigged to the Walthamstow Building Society and discussed the mortgage I needed. I must have been so determined and desperate that strangely enough I had none of the trouble that I had heard others, especially at that time, women on their own, had had in obtaining their first mortgage,. I had every paper with me that was necessary, all my financial details and said I needed something as soon as possible so that my child could join me.
There was one small hitch. Because my job was so recent he wanted a reference from my previous job, and payslips too. There was a partner at the Accountants who I thought quite liked me. I phoned and asked Ilma for his home address and I wrote and told him briefly that what I had said when giving notice had not been true but that I had been desperate to get a higher paying job, and explained the circumstances. I said I knew I could trust his discretion but please could he answer the Building Society as they had his home address and would be writing to him for a character and work reference. He must have done whatever was asked for promptly as I only waited a few days before everything was confirmed.
I only saw two flats, and I took the second one. I wrote a letter to the Solicitor the Estate Agent had recommended and put it through his letterbox saying that I wished to purchase 30a Browns Road, subject to contract, for the purchase price of £17,500, and wished him to act for me. The people at the flat had I think almost given up trying to sell it. It had been on the market for months. They did not at first seem to take me seriously when I returned the same day to tell them that I wanted their flat and had set everything in motion.
While in Walthamstow I bought a local paper and took it back to the hostel so that I could look for accommodation where I could have Cathy stay at times as the hostel did not allow any visitors at all over the threshold. I knew it would take quite a time for the flat purchase to go through, possibly several months. I rang a place in Ilford where they were looking for a fourth lady to share a house. The man sounded pleasant and said it was a new venture of his. He ran a motor repair business in the yard at the back of a house and was starting to take lodgers. He did not live there himself. There was still one room free. I said I was very interested and would come and see it, which I did the next day. It was a lovely big front room with a bay. All the furniture was new. There were two sisters living there and an older lady. The bathroom would be shared and in the front lounge there was a cooker and a fridge which were for us lodgers to use. The back original kitchen of the house was the office for the motor business. I asked if it would be all right to bring a ten year old girl there at weekends and nobody minded at all. I paid a deposit and arranged to move the following week.
Only when all these basic things were sorted out did I make the first family call to say that I was back. The whole process had only taken about three weeks. First I rang Jennifer and found to my horror that the letter posting had not gone according to plan. Jennifer had got her letter first and had rung John after a day or two only to find that he did not know what she was talking about. She had got such a fright she had burst into tears and he had asked her to come over to South Woodford and explain immediately.
She said it was too awful, he had cried and been terribly shocked and wandered round the house despairingly. It must have been terrible for Jennifer. I told her that this was not meant to happen and I was very very sorry. She also told me that John had not told Cathy and Michael the truth about my non return, although I had sent cards to them about seeing them soon and referring obliquely to the fact that I was not returning. He had told them my mother was ill and my return delayed. I never anticipated that he would do this. Cathy had apparently made a cake for me and been terribly disappointed that I did not return on the arranged day. John got his letter three days after Jennifer's and she got hers a day earlier than I thought she would. So much for our careful posting scheme!
Next I rang Barbra and told her I had promised my mother that I would not see John alone and asked her to go with me when I first met John and the children and she agreed. She asked when I had returned and I just did not want to tell any more lies. So I said 'do you mind if I don't answer that question, can we leave it that I am back now?' And she agreed.
These few weeks are a period that due to the state I was in, I seem to have blotted out of my memory. I think that Barbra arranged with John when I would go and see the family. I took presents for the children and I do vaguely remember sitting around the pine dining table, but not much more than that. John seemed to be making a strong effort to be practical and businesslike, and asked me a lot of questions. I explained that I had a job, I had found a flat and had temporarly digs where Cathy could come at weekends.
This was the part he did not like. I am not really sure but I think he had not anticipated that I expected to see Cathy constantly and regularly. This is strange and shows how little people know and understand each other even after years. How could he have thought that I wouldn't want to see and be with my children. I still had a few days to go at the hostel. I might have thought the worst was over but it most certainly was not. There were years to come of stress and anxiety mainly over the sharing of Cathy.
Jennifer had a boyfriend called Ian who had a car and she said they would
fetch me from the hostel on the Saturday and would take me and my belongings to
the Ilford house.
It was a strange time at Ilford. I had possessions all over the place. During
my lunch hours I had bought various household things like pillowcases, cutlery,
gadgets etc. so I had to get these things back from the office. Other things
stayed at Mary's flat though I tried gradually to clear what I could. Some
things were still in Jeff's office too.
Every day I rang Cathy from a public phone at Stratford Station on my way in from Ilford to work. I knew that John would be gone by about 8 am and that Cathy would be there until about 8.40 am. She was looking forward to coming at the weekend but said that John was not very pleased about this. She was only 10 and couldn't be expected to be secretive, neither did I want her to, but her tongue got us both into so much unnecessary trouble. She told John that I rang her in the mornings and he gave her the third degree and wanted to know exactly what I had said, as if it mattered. I only wanted to talk to her about ordinary things like school and friends and what we would eat on the Saturday.
She repeated everything both ways and so I was always getting upset when I heard things John had said about me or the nasty remarks he had made about anything she told him I was doing. I tried terribly hard never to say anything nasty about him except if it was in response to something he had said about me. If she told me he had bought her something pretty, I would say 'how nice, that's good'. But apparently if I bought her anything, he made critical remarks about my choice and was scornful. If she told him I had new shoes, I would find out that he was saying that I must have a lot of money to waste.
Money of course was a considerable problem. I had to hang on to the money for the purchase of the flat, so had to be extremely frugal, especially as there were so many household items I still needed as well.
It was unfortunate that just at this time my menopause started. I had a period that went on for six weeks. I consulted a very nice French doctor in Ilford who was kind and prescribed me pills called Ativan and seemed very understanding. I wasn't happy about the pills but I needed them as it was important I should sleep properly and be able to keep my job and I had a lot of trouble sleeping although the bed was brand new and very comfortable. I was grateful to have such a pleasant sunny room but as soon as I lay down, all the worries tumbled round my brain and this did get better once I took the pills.
It was arranged that Michael would bring Cathy on the bus to Ilford on a Tuesday evening for a meal and take her home again at about 9 pm. Then on Friday I would go and fetch her from Woodford after work and take her back home on Sunday afternoon. Michael also visited for a meal on Saturday night. There would be exceptions to the rule if John wanted to take Cathy away for a weekend.
At this point I should mention the question of Michael. He was coming up to his '0' levels and had to go towards Ilford to school in the opposite direction from Walthamstow. He loved his bedroom in Woodford where he had plants growing up his net curtains and he felt independent at the top of the house and with a sink and hot water in his room, which had once been for lodgers. We both felt it was better for him to stay there, although I said of course he could come to Walthamstow if he wanted to. We only had 2 bedrooms there so it would have been uncomfortable for him as well as much further to go to school. Also Michael once said 'Someone's got to stay with him'. So I had to accept that I would only see him twice a week.
On the evenings I did not see the children, it was very strange. I had always had a child or children around since the age of 23 and that was 20 years previously. When they were expected, I stared out the window and became more and more frantic if they were a few minutes late. I had heard about an organisation called Mothers Apart from Their Children or MATCH. I sent off for information and started going to meetings of other mothers. These meetings were usually in Islington which was quite a difficult journey for me and I did not get home until very late at night. It was very sad hearing all the other women's tales of woe. At least I saw mine. Some were in a different country from their children and it usually didn't seem to be any fault of their own. We were all encouraged to write our stories for the in-house magazine which I did.
That was the year that Prince Charles married Princess Diana. I was working very near the Mall so I went and looked the day before at all the excitement and the setting up of the television cameras and the people getting ready to sleep there all night to see the procession. On the day itself though, which was a Saturday I went with all three children to Southend for the day. I took a portable radio and we listened to the wedding standing right near the sea and heard Diana fumble over the Prince's name. Because I felt that I too was starting on a new life as was Prince Charles, I bought a wedding commemoration tea towel. Cathy immediately reported this to John and brought back the usual scornful message of 'Oh no, she didn't, oh, really', as it it was a really crass thing to do.
My solicitor had written down everything I told him and said that I must get at least a third of the value of the South Woodford house, and that it would have been a half, had I not been the one to leave. He estimated that a third would be about £12,000. I did not think John would take very kindly to this, but the solicitor said I had to think of my own future and how was I going to manage without anything at all. So the process was set in motion although it was a long time before anything was settled. In the end, a few years later, I received £8,000. But for about another year at least, I did not have any financial help at all from John To be fair, I had not expected any.