Chapter
Eighteen - There is Life after Retirement
BT offered to pay towards any course that the people who left in 1992 might wish to take as long as it would lead to a new career or gainful employment. I thought I would try to teach English as a Foreign Language which would mean taking a TEFL course. The South Coast has so many Colleges teaching English to the many foreign students that both Jenny P in Hove and Ted's cousin Nellie in Worthing had a constant flow of foreign students staying in their houses. I thought this might be a way that I could earn money at home by helping any students who wanted extra private tuition after finishing their courses or perhaps teaching foreigners who had not attended a language school at all. I applied to two colleges and was turned down by both of them. They said I was not good enough. I was rather surprised that I was not even good enough to take the course. My English had always been better than the people I had worked for over the years and I had often had to edit the grammar and spelling of work that I had been given to type. In a way I was pleased that they had such high standards but it was rather disconcerting and a blow to my self-esteem. There are so many things that I am not good at that I was sorry to learn that even my knowledge of English was below par. I had thought I would be a patient teacher and was very interested in the English language.
I tried to think of other courses I could take but just was not interested in anything that I thought would lead to a new career. I was interested in art and music but could not see that these would be profitable. I was very interested in fringe medicine but the money from BT would not have paid both for the initial study and then for setting up as an osteopath or homeopath. I regret that I lost this opportunity for study. Perhaps I should have done a hairdressing or catering course though neither of these appealed to me. I joined an agency and had a few pathetic temporary jobs.
The worst of these lasted only one afternoon at a mental hospital where I had to sit on my own in reception behind a security grid. A wild angry looking man came in and shouted at me and I tried to smile pleasantly and he found a flower pot and smashed it on the counter and all the compost went through the grid on to my face and hair. He went rushing through the lobby into the wards and I tried to phone to warn the staff there but I rang the wrong ward as I was not at all sure of the extension numbers and had only had a few minutes' tuition at the job before I was left on my own. He rushed back out again a few minutes later, snarling at me and crashing the door shut behind him. The police were called because he had assaulted one of the nurses in the ward and it was thought he might return. Apparently he was an ex-patient with a grievance. It was dark outside when it was time for me to go home. I was really frightened as the man had seemed to look at me with fierce hatred in his eyes and the police suspected he was still nearby. I phoned Roger and he fetched me and took me home. I told the agency I did not want to work there again!
Most of the temp work I had was only for a day or two and made me realise how lovely it had been working for a large organisation like British Telecom. Meanwhile, Cathy auditioned for the part of the heroine, Gerda, in 'The Snow Queen' at the Gardner Centre in Brighton and got it. Her recently acquired agent from Jennifer's wedding negotiated with the Producer about her salary which was rather low, but of course we were all pleased that she had a part in a professional show, although a rather minor one, so soon. That evening we went to the Cricketers pub in Hove to celebrate her success.
It was at about this time that Jennifer told me that I was going to be a granny. I know this sounds incredible but in that first instant, I could not think what she meant and I said 'How?' She thought this was very funny and said she was expecting a baby the following May. I had never thought of Jennifer as someone who would be interested in having children. I thought her career would come first and that having children would not interest her. I was very wrong as she turned out to be a very good and loving mother, despite her continuing theatrical ambitions.
1992 was rather an eventful year, thinking back on it. Retiring from full time permanent work, Cathy leaving college, Jennifer getting married and then later on getting pregnant, my mother and Rajie confirming their definite arrival date, the burglary, Jennifer and Cathy both starring in pantomimes at the same time and not the least of these events was the visit of Graham (my ex husband) who came to England in the Autumn and stayed with Jennifer and Roger. One day when they were busy elsewhere, they asked me to take him off their hands so I walked with him along the beach from Brighton to Hove and took him into my old office to introduce him to the others there. Then I took him to Blossoms for coffee. Later, at home, Cathy practised her dance for 'The Snow Queen'. Graham said how much he liked Cathy and wished she were his daughter too. I refrained from saying that I thought he had enough children already!
Jennifer and Roger had really enjoyed their honeymoon stay at a hotel at Lower Beeding called South Lodge, at the time of their wedding. They wanted to take Graham there and show him the place and the lovely scenery and asked if I would like to go as well. The four of us had lunch there and photographs were taken. Roger took one of Jennifer, Graham and me and Jennifer was pleased, as it was the only photo she had of herself together with both her parents although she was thirty one years old.
Then at the end of 1992, Cathy and Paul's relationship broke up. I was very sorry about this as Paul was like another son to me. Cathy said she felt she was too young and wanted more experience of men and life and that she and Paul were more like brother and sister. When she told him how she felt, he was, as I expected he would be, absolutely distraught. Cathy told him just before the 'Snow Queen' went to Blandford Forum for a try-out week, and left me to deal with his distress. It was really awful. He was like someone with shell-shock. I had arranged to go with Janice to see Jennifer in a show in London that night at the Aba Daba Music Hall, so I made Paul come with me. He couldn't hide his distress and the train journey to London was quite nightmarish. We met Janice and had a meal but of course he did not want to eat. He sat through the show staring unseeingly into space. The show finished so late that we had to get a taxi all the way to Janice's flat at Willesden. Janice gave Paul a sleeping bag and he slept in her spare bedroom on the floor. I always sleep on the sofa in the lounge when I stay there. He was still sound asleep when I left in the morning. He had obviously been up most of the night thinking, and had eventually fallen into an exhausted sleep.
Janice was very kind to him when I explained to her how unhappy he was. She was a blunt sort of person but kind-hearted in actuality. She was in no hurry to go out but as I had to go to the Ilford flat and fetch some things Cathy wanted, I had to leave him to find his own way back to Hove.
Paul came back later that day and then said he would go home to his mother in Wales. He did not want to be in Hove when Cathy came back from the show in Dorset. I knew he would get over it in time but also knew that a first love is always special and there was nothing I could say that he would believe or which would cheer him.
Jennifer and I went to see Cathy at Blandford Forum and both thought she was very sparkly and appealing. She had to put on a Northern accent for the part too and I was quite surprised at how well she did it. After all, she had not been to drama school as Jennifer had.
Despite her pregnancy, Jennifer was going to be Principal Girl in 'Dick Whittington' opposite Su Pollard that year in Newcastle. Cathy and I decided we would go and see her in late January after the 'Snow Queen''s run finished.
I saw the 'Snow Queen' over and over again. Denise and her mother came from Woodford to see it but her father, the 'Workman' from our Walthamstow days was, predictably, working. Trevor came down from Ealing and saw the show with us as did Lesley and Lauren. Lauren was called up on stage which made it a special day for her. All Jenny P's children and grandchildren went on a separate day and enjoyed it. Trevor quite often came to Hove as his brother Christopher not only lived there but also had recently opened a toy and model museum in the road that ran beneath Brighton station. Jennifer and Trevor were on polite terms although not exactly friendly.
Cathy's photo was in 'The Stage' in the Review section, and in the same edition as the review of the panto in Newcastle. Su Pollard saw it and asked Jennifer if she had a sister who was also in show business. When we went up to see the panto, Jennifer said Cathy and I could stay in her digs in Newcastle. This was a house shared with Sami who became a friend of Jennifer's and is now involved with Jennifer and Roger in the more recently formed Brighton Revue Company.
Jennifer was starting to look extremely pregnant by the end of the run and hoped the costumes would hide this. I am sure it would have shocked everyone if Alice Fitzwarren had appeared to be pregnant before she married Dick Whittington at the finale.
At Paul's mother's house in Wales there was not a lot of extra room and Paul did come back to Hove at the end of January, but this time he stayed as one of Jenny P's lodgers. He had to sign on for the dole and they paid his rent there. We also had a temporary lodger at this time in the back spare room. There was a local touring company called Regency Opera who were doing a tour of the "Mikado" around the South East and Jennifer saw an advert about lodgings wanted during the next few months. Our lodger was called Kate and she was so thin I thought she might be anorexic. She was a very easy lodger as she hardly ate anything at all. She would go through the day on an apple and a carrot. I think she ate with other members of the cast after the show, her one proper meal of the day. She was an operatic singer and lived in Tamworth in Staffordshire. Most of the time she was a teacher but also did 'extra' work in television and films and the occasional tour like the present one.
A little later, the producer of 'The Mikado' phoned Cathy up at the Ilford flat, because months before she had written to him on Jennifer's advice. He told her someone had dropped out of the chorus of 'The Mikado' and asked if she would like to audition. Well, she got in and of course we already coincidentally had Kate from the cast staying in our spare bedroom, so Cathy went and stayed with Jennifer and Roger. It was a very erratic tour and there were weeks here and there when there was no show at all. It went to Redhill, Richmond, Horsham and Holland Park Open Air Theatre in London, apart from the Gardner Centre in Brighton. I followed the show around like a groupie. I really loved it although I am not usually that mad about Gilbert & Sullivan. Tim Flavin did the choreography and I thought it was very stylish. Kate stayed with an Aunt and Cathy stayed in the Ilford flat when the show was nearer to London, then they both stayed in Sussex for local shows.
Cathy liked Kate but thought she was a bit eccentric. She had a lot of teddy bears and took them everywhere with her and apologised tenderly, and at some length, to them when she had to put them in the boot of the car if there were other (human) passengers occupying the seats.
When she was not in the show, Cathy lived on her own in the Ilford flat, but she often seemed to be very lonely. Previously she had either been living at home or had been with Paul so it must have felt strange. She joined a local gymnasium and met a man there who worked at Tesco Stores. His name was Trevor and we called him Tesco Trev. He was rather a jack-the-lad and she brought him down to meet us in Hove one day. I suppose she had to learn about life and wanted to experience everything for herself, but eventually she realised that Tesco Trev was not for her and broke with him. He left her with warts in an unmentionable place and I think this taught her a lesson that was better than any advice or warnings from her elders would have been.
One weekend Cathy and her friend Jo went to Bath for the weekend to see a old college friend of theirs. Their friend was a lodger in a house belonging to John Atkin, who was a few years older than they were and had conducted the orchestra at the college when they had taken part in shows there. It turned out that John had always been quite keen on Cathy although she had not realised this whilst still at college and involved with Paul. She was very happy about meeting John again and I thought it rather touching that after they had been seeing each other for a few months he gave her a card saying 'I love you, warts and all'. He visited her in Ilford and sometimes she went to Bath.
At about this time, the agency found me a long-term temp job near Brighton station, working for London Architects who were correcting mistakes made by an earlier firm on a large estate of flats, offices and shops. This was quite different from anything I had ever experienced. At first, I did not like it, especially as I had not used the Word Perfect word processing system before. As more and more of the building's faults were corrected, there was less and less work to type reports about, so although there were about three typists there when I started, by the end of eight months, I was the only one. We had temporary offices set up in different parts of the building as the months went by; sometimes we were in a site hut, sometimes on bare concrete floors inside the building, and sometimes in an empty shop premises. There were times when it was very difficult to reach the office and I had to step over holes and drains and climb rickety steps and even one time when it took a considerable time to find the office, which had been moved over the weekend.
Naturally all the computers, telephones and electrical installations had to be moved around every time. They gave me a yellow hard hat which really pleased me and naughtily I kept it when I left there. I had always thought how handy one of these would be if another hurricane occurred and you didn't want flying bits of slate and wood falling on you if you had to go out.
It was a nice flexible job and I did not have to go in every day as long as I finished all that was necessary during the week. This was just as well as so many other things happened in my life at the same time.
Jennifer had always mentioned to Cathy and me that we could join her agency for 'extra' work in TV commercials, films etc. One must no longer say 'extras' the term is now 'background artiste'. The agency was called Galloways and was in London. Cathy actually had her Equity card by then, but I did not. However we both joined the part of Galloways that dealt with the absolute background people, not the more featured professionals, to which Jennifer belonged. The agency divided up later and the lowly people were part of what was called G2. However it was several months before either of us were called upon to do anything.
First the big thing happened, my mother and Rajie arrived in April 1993. (It was the day after the bombing in the City and I hoped they would not read about this and be nervous about being in London). Ted hired a car and we went to Heathrow to meet them. Michael met us there and came back to Hove with us. It was Ted who recognised my mother first. She was in a wheelchair and as flying always upset her, she looked much worse than she did later when she had had time to recover from the stress. As my mother was to sleep in the back bedroom, Rajie had to sleep on the folding bed in the lounge. Although I was used to my mother getting fed up with England and getting restless, this time now that she was 87, I really thought she would stay forever.
Rajie was very excited and wanted to see London and to visit exotic places, mainly with occult connections. She was completely 'into' gurus, auras, mysticism, portents and the like, and was quite boring on these subjects I suppose because she took herself so seriously and believed she had special powers. I thought my mother would want Rajie to be taken round London and to be shown the sights and so I happily arranged outings and went to London several times, leaving my mother at home. Later I found out more about my mother's attitude to being left on her own but at the beginning of Rajie's stay I was quite unaware.
Once Rajie and I met Cathy and walked around Westminster, ending up in Covent Garden. On another occasion Mary came into central London and we walked along the South Bank and then went to Greenwich. Mary and I sat in Greenwich Park while Rajie went to look at the top of the park where the Observatory used to be. I think Rajie was disappointed that Mary and Barbra did not drive her around London as she had driven us around Durban on our 1990 visit. She did not understand that people just did not as a rule drive around central London but used public transport. Naturally had Rajie wished to see the vicinities of Chigwell and Chingford they would have been pleased to oblige.
Then G2, the agency, rang and booked both Cathy and me to take part in a special version of the television comedy 'One Foot in the Grave' called 'One Foot in the Algarve'. This was to be filmed on the 5th May 1993. I told Jennifer that she could have her baby on any day except that one. But she did not obey!
On the 4th May, Jennifer who had had a very difficult pregnancy with bleeding problems, and had been told to go straight to the hospital if anything further occurred, did suddenly have further bleeding. Roger had just left for London as he was still in the show 'Buddy' at the Victoria Palace and at that moment was in transit. They did not get their mobile phone until the following December and so he could not be contacted until he reached the theatre. I had gone down to the local supermarket to get some shopping and when Jennifer rang for help and I was not there, Ted and Rajie went by taxi to help her. I was home only a few minutes later and when my mother told me what had happened, I followed hastily in another taxi.
Ted is very squeamish about anything medical or concerned with bodily functions so I think it was very amusing that he ended up pushing Jennifer in a wheelchair in the hospital and at one point having to call a nurse when she was sick. When I got there, she was in the ward and being monitored. Ted and Rajie went home and I waited at the hospital until Roger got back. The people at the theatre had turned him round as soon as he arrived and they had already arranged for his understudy to go on.
The next morning I was dressed as a tourist going on holiday for the filming (sunhat, flightbag etc), but luckily it was a lunch time call so I had time to go to the hospital first. Nothing had happened but they were starting to induce labour. I thought it was a shame that two such exciting events in my life had to happen on that one day.
I met Cathy at the BBC in Shepherd's Bush and everyone was taken in a bus to the filming in West London, which was in a huge sort of shed which looked like an airport hangar. There was a mock-up (or perhaps a real) aeroplane with the front cut off so that on film it really looked as if we were all inside a plane. Jennifer had always told us what lovely food one was provided with on location but this was an exception. We had been booked at midday and presumably it was thought that we had already eaten. However, as I had left home at about 8 am and had been on the move ever since, there had been no chance to eat anything at all.
Perhaps I should mention at this time that in the last few years I had realised that I was allergic to bread and all wheat products. Previously I had had terrible coughs occasionally, so bad that I had been sent home from work and yet they were not serious and did not last. I also had stomach upsets and what is nowadays called irritable bowel syndrome. After reading about how giving up wheat helped these problems and realising after testing that it was true in my case, I no longer ate any wheat at all, except occasionally by mistake. There are products such as soya sauce and gravy granules that contain wheat and I have gradually learned what to avoid.
However, on that day I was extremely hungry and the only food was a table of leftovers from a previous group that had been filming there, mainly sandwiches. Some were untouched but they had gone a little soggy and I tried to extract bits of cheese, tomato and egg without eating the bread. I was not the only scavenger. Others around me were also eagerly eating up the leftovers. I think that sometimes, for me, eating a teeny bit of wheat works almost homeopathically in that it reacts in a worse way than having a large portion. Certainly I must have eaten a crumb or two along with the fillings unfortunately.
Cathy and I were near the rear of the plane on the right and after the usual endless run-throughs with the principals who were at the front, we were told they were 'going for a take'. I wanted to cough but managed to wait until the 'cut' command. I then coughed and coughed violently and must have sounded near my deathbed, my eyes watered and I wheezed and tried to breathe normally. A few minutes later, the star of the show, Richard Wilson, came up the aisle with a paper cup of water in his hand and asked who it was that had been 'coughing their guts out' and offered me the water, saying it was all he had. I was not sure if this was kindness or exasperation on his part, but I was very grateful all the same. I hoped the other background artists and artistes did not think I had been trying to attract attention.
There was a callbox on the site but we were told it was out of order so I could not ring the hospital from there. However when we were finally told 'it's a wrap' and could go back to the coach I went again to the callbox and found it had been repaired. It was 7.40 pm when I rang the hospital and the nurse asked if I would wait a minute, she would ask how things were progressing. Then she came and said that the baby had been born at that very moment and was a boy as we already knew he would be. It was strange because Jennifer herself had been born at the very same time. Cathy and I got on the coach and when we got back to Victoria station, we rang the hospital again. By this time it was about 9.30 pm at night but Roger was still there and he said he would fetch us from Brighton station and take us to Jennifer. He had asked permission of the hospital staff and they had agreed we could come for a very brief visit.
Originally I had wanted to watch the baby being born, but when I heard what a terrible birth it had been and what an ordeal it had been for Roger I was glad I had not been around. It would have been too distressing. First, there had been difficulty getting Ben out and when he had become distressed, and the midwife had failed to get him out, forceps had been used.
Jennifer lost an awful lot of blood and cleaners were called in to wipe the blood off, not only the floor but also the walls! The medical staff apparently then disappeared from the room although Jennifer was still bleeding heavily. Ben was fine and had been wrapped up cosily. Then Roger says that Jennifer turned a green colour and lost consciousness. He rushed out and called the team back and at one time there were six people in attendance. Jennifer had had a severe haemorrhage. They did not have enough defrosted blood and Roger had to help with apparatus to keep her veins open. She had one transfusion that night but in the following week was still unable to walk unaided and by the end of her hospital stay, she had had five blood transfusions.
The whole episode did little to boost my faith in the health service, although I know it is probably even worse in other countries. It was Roger who had to call the team back and later it was Roger who suggested that her blood count must still be too low and insisted that they tested her. That was when they discovered that she needed further transfusions. Her GP later said he was pleased to see her looking so well when the hospital had done their best to kill her! And she did afterwards get a letter of explanation and apology from the hospital. Jennifer and Roger did a lovely birth announcement notice, following on from their wedding invitation, which I have copied overleaf:
ROGER ALBOROUGH AND JENNY COULSTON-ALBOROUGH
IN ASSOCIATION WITH LIFETIME PRODUCTIONS INC.
AND THE ROYAL SUSSEX COUNTY HOSPITAL
PROUDLY PRESENT
THEIR NEW PRODUCTION OF
A FAMILY AFFAIR
starring
(in order of appearance)
ROGER JENNY
ALBOROUGH COULSTON
and introducing
BENJAMIN JAMES ALBOROUGH
as "The Infant"
"This child will run and run!" "A Star is Born"
Mothercare Midwife Review
"It was rip-roaring production" "He Had me in Stitches"
Obstetrics Weekly J Alborough
"Welcome to the Family"
The Godfather
First Performance
5 MAY 1993
at
7.40 pm
Rajie, Cathy and I helped to tidy the house before Jennifer came home from the
hospital. Cathy stayed in the house for a few days after that too.
Over the next few weeks, as Jennifer was still very weak and as Roger had to leave for the show every evening, I used to go over to their house and make sure she had an evening meal and help with Ben. This was very tiring for me, mainly because although the bus services in Brighton are on the whole extremely good, in the evening they deteriorate to a large extent. It took a long time and a lot of waiting in the chilly air for two buses before I got home. It never occurred to me that my mother would not be wholly in sympathy over this matter. She had always helped me and been a devoted nurse when I needed her help. Also, she especially loved Jennifer. But later she complained about how often I had gone out to Jennifer's during the evening in those early days. This really surprised and upset me.
Rajie was dazzlingly glamorous. She was a very dark Indian lady, very young looking for her age, with a beautiful figure and amazing white teeth. Ted was very excited about being seen with her, but I think he agreed with me that she could be very irritating. Jenny P found her irritating too. Rajie said she would like to see English villages so Jenny drove her around and took her to tea in the village of Lindfield and Rajie did not even thank her afterwards. Ted hired a car and we took her to Ann Boleyn's family home at Hever Castle and also showed her other pretty villages and churches. We told her one church was built in 1100 knowing how impressed South Africans often are by the great age of English buildings. Inside, under the flagstones of the nave was a grave of someone who had died in about 1500. Rajie asked how he could be buried at that time if the church was built in 1100. I said I thought they couldn't bury him until he was dead! Perhaps I am being unfair, I suppose she may have wondered how they put him under the flagstones.
On another occasion she said 'I don't know how you can eat avocado if you can't eat wheat' and I said 'There isn't any wheat in avocado' and she said 'I know'. We had a lot of hopeless conversations like this. She was also very arrogant, especially towards people in lowly occupations, which I thought was very odd. One would imagine that an Indian who had witnessed colour prejudice in South Africa would be exceptionally careful not to offend black people or anyone else being of service to them, but there was perhaps a sort of 'pecking order syndrome' in her behaviour. One day at the Left Luggage counter at Victoria station, a kindly black man working there asked her about conditions in South Africa and she absolutely flattened him with her disdainful haughty manner. I always felt embarrassed by her manner towards waiters and waitresses too. By the end of her four week stay, I was not at all sorry that she was leaving, although I would always be grateful to her for her friendship and help to my mother over the years.
Paul meanwhile was starting to be happy again. In fact, he once told me that he had never had so much fun in his life before. He made friends with a Spanish student also staying with Jenny P and went out with other Spanish students in Hove. He said they went out to trendy bars and cafes and some danced on tables. I was so pleased to see him happy again. He painted a lot and sold one painting of the Lanes in Brighton, to an art shop for £400. He also was paid for helping to paint the sets for the following year's Christmas show at the Gardner Centre. I took my mother on a long bus ride to see his work there. The show was "The Amazing Mr Fox".
Then the telesales company that Ted worked for went bankrupt. Ted put in a claim for the month's money they owed him but did not hold out much hope of getting it back. He went to the Job Centre immediately and the only job he could find that was even remotely possible for him to consider was a kitchen hand at the Brighton YMCA. This was not like my previous understanding of the way the YMCA worked. My Uncle Bryan who was an ardent Christian had once stayed at the London one in order to be protected from the vice of the big city, but this Brighton one was more like a hostel for disadvantaged, homeless men, perhaps through drink, drugs or mental problems. Ted got on quite well in the kitchen and got to know all the people there and watched what the care officers there did. He could see no reason why he could not be a care officer too and when there was a vacancy, he applied.
He had a panel interview and the man in charge spoke up in his favour as they knew he was honest, reliable and well-liked. Some of the applicants had degrees in Sociology and other similar qualifications so Ted was quite lucky to be given the job, which meant an immediate increase in both prestige and salary. The job did involve shift work but he had quite a lot of time off although he often had to work at weekends.
Cathy was still living in Ilford most of the time and John Atkin visited her from Bath most weekends. Sometimes they came down to Hove. My mother did not take to John. She was a little prejudiced against North Country people and he was originally from York. He had the usual Yorkshire bluntness and did not ooze charm although one could tell he was a decent person and probably the right sort for Cathy. My mother had always been very keen on charm and good manners above all else and these were not amongst John's principal good qualities. Now that there are two Johns, both prominent in my story, I think I'd better start calling my ex-husband John - Sep.
This is actually what we called him amongst ourselves anyway. The reason for this name is that many years before, I had been filling in a form about my income for some government department and where it said 'Name of husband' I had put 'Separated'. Michael had thought this was funny and asked 'Do you call him 'Sep' for short?'
During that summer of 1993, Buckingham Palace was to open to visitors for the first time ever. Barbra had always been interested in English history and knew a lot about the monarchy. She applied to work there as they needed people to stand in each room, watch over the treasures and answer questions from visitors and that sort of thing. She was accepted after a thorough security check and had a short training course.
They also needed staff to man the shop at the palace and Barbra suggested Cathy might apply. The palace naturally asked for references. Cathy did not know whom to put on the form as she had never really worked at a proper job since leaving college so she gave Roger's name, as he was a homeowner with a different surname from hers. He thought it was a joke when Buckingham Palace rang him, but he must have said the right things as she got the job. Of course being related to a stable respectable person like Barbra must have helped too.
Ben was not an easy baby, we saw him a lot and my mother said she had never known a baby who cried even when his bottle was in his mouth. It was nice that my mother had a great grandchild and he was very sweet when he wasn't crying.
You can see it was a very busy period, what with the Architects at the building site and babysitting. My mother was allergic to dairy foods and I discovered I could buy non-dairy cheese, milk and cream at certain shops. Her cataracts were bad and she could only read large-print books so I used to get them out for her at the library and she read quite fast. I thought she was quite happy. Her pension came every month from South Africa into a joint account I had opened and I drew out on a cash card whatever she asked for. She had enough to buy clothes and extras and she paid me towards her keep as well which was a great help.
However, she was not happy and this became more and more evident as the months passed. She told me she had a return air ticket and said she had told Rajie that she would try it out for a year and then go back. I was amazed. I knew that an 87 year old person with poor eyesight who could no longer enjoy the television and could not go out very much was unlikely to have an wonderful quality of life, but we did have a constant stream of visitors. Jenny P and her daughter Victoria and Victoria's children often came, also Ted's two daughters and their children. Barbra often came down from London, as did Mary, Michael and June. Paul was a constant visitor as were some of the local BT people. Operatic Kate who had found new digs since my mother's arrival, when the current show in which she was touring was in Sussex, quite often popped in as well to see us.
My mother wanted to see Nanny again, so Jennifer drove us to Woodford for the day. Nanny was rather vague by this time but she did remember people when she saw them. My mother was very fond of her and very pleased at the reunion.
When the Buckingham Palace stint was over, Cathy found a place to rent in Bath, which was quite near where John Atkin lived. I went to help her carry things and settle in and she said she realised she would have to get a job as well. We were walking near to the Abbey and the Roman Bath and we saw a sign in the 'Teddy Bear Shop' that they needed an assistant urgently. We went in and she filled in a form and said that her last job had been at Buckingham Palace. This must have impressed them greatly as they telephoned that evening and asked her to come in and start the next day.
It was quite a responsible job as she was often left there on her own and had to work out all the takings at the end of the day and also go to the bank with the money. She got a staff discount while working there so we all received teddy bears and teddy bear tee shirts and sweat shirts as presents at that time. Because of my often expressed jokey interest in sailors, I received a teddy dressed as a sailor and with spectacles too. The shop also provided birth certificates for the teddies sold and I thought how much in her element Kate would have been there.
It was not only Cathy who moved home at around this time. Michael left the medical centre near Dartford and bought his own flat in Lewisham. It was a brand new ground floor flat on a new estate and had two bedrooms which pleased me greatly. I told him I now felt I had a London pied-a-terre. Funnily enough it was only five minutes walk from where Ted's family originated and where his mother, sisters and brother still lived. As Cathy had left the Ilford flat and we were all intending to put it on the market, Michael asked his father to help move the furniture there to his new flat. Sep (have you been following this story carefully and noting name changes?) did not know that most of the stuff had originally belonged to Ted in his Tunbridge Wells flat or difficult questions might have been asked as to the origins and timescale of his and my friendship.
Jennifer was Principal Girl in the Croydon panto that year - 'Dick
Whittington' as usual.
Roger left the cast of 'Buddy' and was able to babysit although we often helped
as well. My job at the building site had now sadly come to an end.
Laina was back in East Grinstead involved with Scientology again. Because she had run away from them years before, she had to be 'punished' in some way. Apparently they made her work outside in the bitter cold doing gardening. She came to see us and bought a warm and waterproof coat at a charity shop and left some things in our shed in large binliners. We went to a cafe for tea and she seemed very unhappy. I had never said anything critical about Scientology to her. I did not mind what people believed or did as long as they were happy and did not hurt or interfere with anybody else's life. But because she seemed so unhappy I did try to advise her that perhaps she should stop her involvement with the people there. I did not criticise Scientology but merely pointed out that there was a great big world outside and that lots of people did not even know what it was, so why did she not try something else and get away if it made her so unhappy. She seemed very distraught. I think she had been involved so long and from such an early age that she could not reject what she had learned and she really believed that Scientology was the only answer to all the problems of the world. I suppose that I think there are many solutions and many paths to salvation and its important for every person to find the one that really suits them.
Anyway, Laina went back to East Grinstead after this discussion, and said that she hoped to persuade the Scientologists to let her go to Israel where her daughter Petal now lived. Petal had become Jewish and was soon to marry in Tel Aviv. Laina wanted to leave East Grinstead and Scientology formally and with no discord this time. A while later, Laina telephoned me to make arrangements to fetch her things from our shed and the following Saturday afternoon was the only time she could come. She had now sorted out her problems and was hoping to get to Israel before Christmas. It was rather unfortunate that just at this time, Cyril and his wife arrived again on a visit from Australia. You may remember that Cyril was hated by the Scientologists because of the book he had written about them called "The Mind Benders". He was probably considered their 'Public Enemy No 1'. Cyril and Rebecca wanted to see Jennifer's panto and so I had previously booked seats for all of us for the Saturday matinee. When Laina rang, I told her that I would be out on the Saturday, but that my mother would let her in, and I did not mention that I would be with Cyril.
Unfortunately my mother did tell her whom I was with and this must have been too much for her to accept. Despite all our years of friendship since Jennifer was a toddler, she dropped me like a hotcake from then on. I was quite persistent at first and wrote to her in Israel and she did finally write to me and say that we had totally opposed ideas and although she was grateful to me for things I had done for her in the past, she could no longer be my friend. I must admit I found this quite astounding and hurtful, especially as I had not in my opinion said very much about or against Scientology at all.
I did receive a wedding invitation from Petal however, but I could not possibly have left my mother for so long. Jennifer, Roger and Ben went to Tel Aviv and had a wonderful time. Graham was there too and we have lovely photos of an authentic Jewish wedding. Jennifer said that Petal's in-laws were very kind, loving people and had made them very welcome.
My mother was getting more and more fed up with the passing weeks. I realised she did not like to be left alone at all, so it did not matter how quickly I returned from shopping and other trips. I tried to be understanding but it was irritating if I came home and she said things like 'I've been alone for two hours.' We hardly ever went out at night, perhaps once every two months, and I soon noticed that she would not go to bed if we were out and waited up, obviously too frightened to go to sleep if she was alone in the flat. If I went away overnight, perhaps to see Cathy or Michael, I always chose a night when Ted would be there. I started to feel guilty if I paused to look at clothes shops on my way back from the library and stopped meeting friends socially, only seeing them if they visited us.
My idea of a granny in her late eighties was perhaps a lady rocking in the corner and dozing happily. I suppose this was very unfair as my mother was a very unusual personality anyway and always had been. She was handicapped by poor vision and hearing and also by dizziness but she still wanted an interesting life and a continual stream of people to talk to. It didn't matter that several visitors did come and talk to her, she only noticed the times she was alone, her attitude being that of the person who finds the cup half empty rather than half full.
I used to like to read while I was eating, this is something I have always enjoyed but as she never stopped talking to me unless she was asleep, I sometimes pretended I wanted to have a nap and went to my room with my food so I could lie propped on the bed to eat my snack. Her vision was not good enough to see what I was carrying through to my bedroom. What happened was that the unhealthy position I was often in when eating gave me the early symptoms of a hiatus hernia and I had to be very careful after that to sit up properly at table to eat.
In the Spring of 1994, when the South African multi-racial elections took place and the news on TV showed the euphoria in the country, I was very excited along with most of the world and yet my mother did not seem interested at all. When she was younger any news about South Africa had really excited her. I couldn't understand this as her mind had not deteriorated at all and she still read her large print books avidly and remembered jokes.
My mother said that what she really wanted was to go back to Durban and into a nursing home that she had once stayed in years before, for a short time whilst ill. It was the only nursing home that Rajie had been able to find where the bedrooms were on the ground floor and my mother was very claustrophobic about lifts. I found it quite unbelievable that she would prefer an institution to being with us but had to accept it in the end. Everyone tried to persuade her that it would be better to stay. People reminded her that she would miss her grandchildren and Ben. I had often said to her that she would be much happier if she could watch television and tried to persuade her to have the cataract operation that I knew from my Moorfields stay was now such a quick and painless operation. She went to the eye specialist with me and he said she would not have to wait long and an appointment was made for her in the August. She seemed very annoyed about this and said she did not want to have the operation.
I asked why she was so keen to be in a nursing home so far away from her family and all our visitors and she said that there was always someone on duty in a nursing home with constant toing and froing of staff bringing in cups of tea and that sort of thing.
Perhaps it was the looming eye operation that made her so determined to go back. Of course she could not return on her own although she had a return ticket, so I realised I would have to go with her and this would mean using a credit card and being in considerable debt again.
When Ben had his first birthday party in May, my ex-husband Sep turned up with his fairly new lady friend Clare. I was very pleased that he had met someone he was obviously happy with. She was an Irish divorcee and worked as a Social Worker. From now on she will be the only Clare I will mention as I had lost touch with my South African friend after the 1990 trip and Directory Enquiries could find no trace of her at her previous address in South Africa.
Cathy and John managed to get a mortgage and buy a house together in Bath. This was possible as the head office of the Teddy Bear Shop stated that she earned rather more than she did. It was in the Twerton area of Bath on the South West outskirts. It was not a particularly interesting part of the lovely Bath, but the view was beautiful, and there was a frequent bus service from the centre of town. It was lovely to wake in the morning there and see cows grazing on a hill in the distance. On the day she moved in, she was a bit worried about all the deliveries of electrical goods that would take place, apart from the general mess and confusion. I decided to surprise her and go and help. I caught a train at about 7 am from Hove and was actually in her house before 10.30 am. There was a direct route along the South Coast. The house was nicely decorated and had a through-lounge and two bedrooms. There were small gardens back and front. Cathy had become a Catholic, not only because John was from a Catholic family. She had been interested even before she met him again and it had now become official, if that's the word. She said although she was no longer a virgin and was sharing a house with John, they would wait until their wedding before consummating their union, so that they were not committing anything considered by the Church to be a sin.
My mother's eye appointment was in early August and my mother asked me to book her a direct to Durban flight in the middle of July. I did not cancel her eye appointment until the very last moment as I still hoped she would change her mind.
Ted, Barbra and Michael saw us off at Heathrow. I was sorry for my mother as I knew she was afraid of flying. This was the first time I had actually been with her on a flight and when the plane was ready for take-off, I put my hand gently on hers trying to show sympathy. And she said sharply 'why are you holding my hand?'. I was taken aback and removed it and this small episode brought tears to my eyes for some time afterwards, I still don't understand why she acted like that. Perhaps she was angry because she was afraid of flying and she knew I wasn't, I just don't know.
In July, Durban can be quite chilly, obviously not like an English Winter, but perhaps between 50º F and 60º F although it would be considerably warmer around midday. I was only staying for a week so filled my large flight bag with mainly my mother's things and the very minimum of stuff for myself. We arranged for her to have a wheelchair at both airports. At the Durban end, a member of staff pushed her along and she kept her handbag on her lap. Until we reached the part where there were trolleys, the only way I could manage both her large flightbag and mine was to hook one around my ankle and drag it along the floor behind me, yanking my foot along in short jerks. Then Rajie met us and took us to the nursing home, Frangipania.
I thought it was an awful cheerless place, shabby and bare. The TV in the residents' lounge was not working and the staff were not ready for us when we arrived, so we had to wait in the lounge. It had chairs all around the huge room, like a doctor's waiting room but was hardly suitable for encouraging communication and cosiness between the residents. I knew my mother was exhausted from the flight and it was very annoying that we should be kept waiting at this stage.
Rajie had arranged that I should stay at the house where her gentleman friend, Alex, lived with his mother in an outer suburb of Durban. I was not too happy about imposing on strangers in this way, but could not afford a hotel on top of the airfare, and it was only for a week anyway.
I must admit I was in a rather irritable mood at that time about the whole matter. I hope it didn't show too much, but I felt a mixture of disappointment, failure, frustration and exasperation about the totally pointless waste of effort and money the past fifteen months had proved to be. I couldn't help wondering what other people must make of the situation. Did they blame me or think we had been unkind to her? It was true that I had been unhappy with the way things had been when she stayed with us but this was not because I didn't want her, it was because of her attitude to being alone occasionally, which had made life very stressful for me.
I was even more annoyed when the Matron at the Home asked to see me in the office and said rather reprovingly that my mother should have a cataract operation and did I want to sort it out with the doctor as it could easily be done. I told them very acidly that as my mother had refused to have it done free in England, she would hardly pay to have it done in Durban. I sensed that the Frangipania staff had a slightly critical attitude towards me too, as if they thought it was my idea to bring her there. They were also very worried about getting their rent money should she become unable to write a cheque and her next-of-kin was in another country. They insisted Rajie must have a Power of Attorney set up in case my mother was ill. Rajie had worked in a bank so knew what to do. She sorted out everything including making sure that the pension would no longer be transferred to England.
Frangipania was open to outsiders from 9 am to 12 noon and from 2 pm until 5 pm. There was also visiting from 7 pm until 8 pm. They did not like visitors to be there between noon and 2 pm, so I usually wandered around in the lunchtime. There was a nice enclosed and safe shopping centre very nearby and most days I went there. Although South Africa was not as cheap as it had been previously, it still seemed marvellous compared to England and I hoped I would not be tempted to use a credit card too much to snap up bargains.
During the Apartheid time, English businesses did not want it known if they were trading or even associated with South Africa. However, all South Africans who had visited England knew that the South African Woolworths was actually Marks & Spencer. Not only was the actual layout of the shops and the graphics in their advertising boards on the walls the same, but the goods they sold were in many cases identical. During the 1980s I actually bought a dress there that I had seen in England and coveted although in South Africa the label said 'Princess', not 'St Michael'. I wrote to Marks & Spencer who denied any connection. I also wrote to Woolworths in England who also denied any connection. This latter did not surprise me; the shop was nothing like an English Woolworths. I then wrote to Woolworths in South Africa and they admitted the connection quite happily. I bought a bottle of cleanser identical to an English bottle I had and still have the photograph to prove it. Again the difference is that in this case, the label said Woolworths where the English container said St Michael. I must admit that by the time of this 1994 visit Woolworths was selling more of its own different goods, although the layout of the stores were the same and any M&S addict would have felt quite at home inside the doors of Woolworths SA.
One lunchtime I walked to see Graham who was working for an Estate Agent. After a while walking in the residential streets, I realised I was the only white person walking about. It was very quiet and the pavements almost empty. I saw one or two black people in the distance but it was quite eerie and not as I remembered the area from my childhood where people of all colours would have been out in the streets. Perhaps everyone now had cars and security bleepers to open the high gates to their houses and simply did not walk about any more.
I was pleased to get to the smaller shopping centre where Graham worked and at least once there, people were about again. Graham had already eaten sandwiches but he drove me to a cafe and had coffee with me, and watched me eat my egg and chips. There was very little else I could afford. I liked cafes in England where I could get a jacket potato and a side salad; reasonably healthy food that did not contain wheat. But in Durban that year, it seemed to be hamburgers and pasta (which I couldn't eat), or presumably proper food at an expensive restaurant. I couldn't find cheap healthy snacks. So I ate egg and chips for lunch every day and bought yogurts, bananas and avocados for the evenings. Alec and Rajie took me out once or twice for an evening meal and they knew decent places to drive to that did have healthier menus.
One day Dawn came to the Home and during the lunch break she drove us to a very nice place where they actually had salads. Nova and her stepmother came down to Durban for a day or two and stayed with friends so I saw them as well. Nova also thought that Frangipania was awful with its bare beige painted walls and lack of ornamentation.
It seemed a long week and I was surprised at how cold I felt. It was a particularly cold spell for Durban. I had no coat but borrowed one of my mother's cardigans. In the early morning, it was really cold. Alec had to be at work by 8 am and he drove a landrover. He dropped me off at a busy road junction near to Frangipania at about 7.20 am. The shopping centre did not open until 8 am and I did not want to make a fuss and try to get into Frangipania before 9 am as per the rules.
I knew that Graham's third wife, Heather, who I had never met, still lived quite nearby and that she had kept the house when Graham left her. She was the one wife who had done well out of him. Her son Richard had gone to a private school and she had a house with a swimming pool and a car. I knew that she had had children with her previous husband whom she had left in order to remove Graham from Laina and marry him. But I knew nothing about these previous children of hers. I thought it was worth a try to knock on their door and see if I could get in out of the cold.
An absolutely beautiful blonde girl answered the door. She was in her twenties and had model proportions. I asked if I could speak to Heather and she said 'No, I'm sorry, my mother is on holiday in Canada, I'm Leanne, can I help you?' I took a deep breath and said 'I'm your mother's second husband's first wife'. She looked a little dazed so I added 'Jennifer's mother' and then she understood. Graham had obviously talked a lot about Jennifer when he had been Leanne's stepfather, and of course he and Heather had stayed with Jennifer and Trevor when they lived in North London.
She asked me in and I explained about Frangipania and being cold and she was charming. Richard, Jennifer's half brother, came down to breakfast soon so I met him again. He was not at an appealing age, I suppose about seventeen, but it was very nice to meet him again anyway. Then at 8 am, Leanne drove me to the shopping centre where luckily she worked and I wandered round the shops until it was time to go to Frangipania. This happened every day from then on, except the last two days, as Alec did not have to work at the weekend and so drove me directly to my mother's Home.
I flew home feeling very sad, yet in a guilty way looking forward to being able to get out and about freely again. I just wished things could have worked out differently.
It was only a few weeks later that Nanny collapsed and was taken to hospital. I had been trying to ring them to arrange to visit them and there was no answer because that was the very day they went to the hospital. Nanny actually had a stroke and she never spoke again. She lived for eleven days and it was awful for all of us. I stayed with ex-neighbour Pam overnight so I could visit two days running, and other times I just went for the day. We all took turns holding her hand and sometimes I thought there was a slight pressure in return. I knew one should establish some form of communication with a stroke victim so they could press for 'yes' or 'no' but with Nanny, there was no positive response. Sometimes I thought she looked angry, its so awful not knowing whether the person is trying to say something and feeling desperate at not being able to make people understand. I saw her last on a Friday morning and she died on the Saturday morning. Jennifer and Roger got there just a few minutes afterwards but Cathy, Barbra and John were there. Michael arrived after they had all left and was extremely distressed when a nurse told him what had happened, and Roger fetched him from the hospital and took him to join the family in Woodford Bridge. I think Nanny and Michael were particularly fond of each other, rather like my mother and Jennifer.
The worst thing to see was the terrible effect on Granddad. He was
absolutely desolate.
I somehow don't think he had ever faced the possibility of anything like this
happening. He had always been a man of action rather than a thinker. I resolved
to go and see him as often as I could though I knew nothing anyone could say or
do would make any difference to his unhappiness.
Back in Hove, Paul decided he wanted to go abroad. This was probably due to the influence of all the students he was meeting whilst staying with Jenny P. He did a weekend TEFL course. This particular course's qualification was only acceptable abroad. In England he would have had to do the longer course that I had failed to be allowed to do. The lady who ran the course had a contact near Barcelona and he got a job there straight away. His early days there were not without problems. A teacher at his first school offered him the share of his flat. Within a day or two an angry man arrived and although Paul's Spanish was not very good, he soon realised the two men were fighting over him. He fled in horror and a lady in a café who he has spoken to previously, offered him a room until he received his first salary and could look for something more suitable. He gave her a painting in lieu of rent which apparently delighted her. I wrote and told Pixie about Paul being so close, and eventually they met. Of course Paul already knew Irene from our Walthamstow days. Later Paul helped Pixie and her family move to a new flat. Pixie's marriage had broken up and she did not want her husband to know her new address. I thought how strange life was. When Pixie and I had gone skating in Durban forty years earlier, who would have believed that one day a boy who my future daughter would meet in London would be helping Pixie move home in Barcelona. Truth is so much stranger than fiction.