Chapter
Eight - Men and Marriage
I started buying the 'London Weekly Advertiser' and looking in the Lonely Hearts columns. The first man I contacted I arranged to meet in Kensington Gardens in the sandpit on a Saturday morning. I had told him about Jennifer of course. We sat together with our shoes and socks off and our feet in the sand and talked. His name was Claude and he was not exactly the answer to a maiden's prayer. He took us to coffee later and then we said 'goodbye' and he and I both knew that was the end of it. For a while after this episode, my interest in trying to find a man, faded.
At about this time a lucky change occurred. Mrs Rose next door had a daughter Pam who was newly married to Bertram, who Shirley unkindly said looked like a lavatory brush, and they were waiting to get a council mortgage to buy a house. They had found they could not afford the flat where they had been living since their wedding and had moved back in with her parents and three brothers. The house next door was therefore very crowded and Pam and her husband slept in the back downstairs with only a curtain between them and her father who mended clocks in the front room. They wanted to have a baby and as you can imagine, trying to conceive was difficult for them. Pam was about 3 years younger than me and as we got to know each other better, it was arranged that they would babysit Jennifer at night so that they would then have a chance to be alone! After that it was easier for me to go out during the evening at times. Jennifer by the way was never difficult over bed time. She would get ready for bed and sit in the lounge with me. She knew she went at 7 pm when the 'Tonight' programme started. It used to start with little white strokes appearing in a circle. She thought these were cigarettes and sometimes would shout 'cigarettes' and rush out the room. People would say 'Where has she gone?' And I would tell them to their amazement that she had gone to bed This was when she was between two and a half and three and a half. I read her stories in the lounge but don't remember reading to her when she was actually in bed.
Shirley did babysit too, but only very occasionally. I was mad about the Beatles and when 'Hard Day's Night' showed at the local Regal Cinema, she stayed at home and I went and saw it through twice. Jennifer had in fact introduced me to the Beatles by singing 'Yeah Yeah Yeah' in her bath. The people upstairs had heard her and told me it was a song by that new group called 'She Loves You'. From then on I was very keen on them and watched 'Ready Steady Go' every Friday night. At that time, you couldn't miss them anyway, as the newspapers too, mentioned them constantly.
And on the 22nd November 1963, the time everyone remembers where they were, I was at the Scala Theatre in the West End with Pixie, and we heard about Kennedy's assassination in the interval. I can't remember what we were seeing there, though.
We had a lovely Christmas in 1963. Lots of people came to the house. Frances
from the laundry and her husband came with toys for Jennifer,
both Shirleys were there, the current one and little
Shirley, the Godmother. Pixie of course and Pam next door bought Jennifer a
second hand dolls house that was in very good condition.
Early in 1964, there was an interesting development. My father had heard on the
Durban grapevine that Graham was taking out a girl called Laina. It was an
unusual name so I remembered it. I thought considering he wanted his freedom he
was rather rushing into another relationship but I did not mind although I was
naturally very interested. One day when the phone rang, I picked it up and a
strong South African accent said 'Hello, you don't know who I am, but my name
is Laina'. I interrupted and said 'Yes, I do know who
you are, you are Graham's girl
friend'. She was very surprised that I knew about her and told me she
had come on a trip to London and wanted to meet me and make sure that she was
not breaking up a marriage which still had a chance. I invited her to come and
see me. She was touring England and would not be able to come for about two
weeks. In that time, I received a letter from Graham, asking me to return to
him and saying he would find a flat and make a home for us in Durban. I was
amazed but did not realise at the time that this was because of legal advice he
had received. He must have known I would refuse and then he would have grounds
to divorce me.
Anyway, when Laina came, I told her about the letter and she too was worried at first, but after telephoning Graham in Durban, she explained to me that it was all part of the strategy. I liked her and later she even came and spent the weekend, strangely enough in March on the fifth anniversary of my marriage to Graham. She thought Jennifer was lovely and wanted to take a photo of her to show Graham but I did not want that and refused. Maybe this was wrong of me, but I felt that Jennifer was mine now and I did not want any involvement or connection with Graham that might complicate matters and thought that she might be confused if I later met another man and she had two in her life, especially as she was so young and did not remember Graham. It would obviously have been different had she known, loved and missed him.
I was sad when Pixie left England in 1964. She had auditioned for Luisillo and his Flamenco Dancing group and was taken on.
She had always looked Spanish although her ancestry was a mixture of Jewish and
Scottish and she was of course, South African born. The following years were
good for her, as she toured the world including a visit to South Africa, and
later met her future husband, Manolo, in Spain.
A little while later, I began again to search for a suitable man in the 'London
Weekly Advertiser'.
The only one I contacted was called Tony. He lived in South London and was involved in television. He was keen on me from the start but I was not at all sure about him. He was not child orientated and did not want me to bring Jennifer on any future daytime dates. I told Shirley and she agreed with him and said, horrified 'you can't take a toddler on a date', but I said that it was that or nothing so he gave in, and we all went and spent the day at Clacton, and later we had other Sunday outings to Epsom and Margate.
I did feel some animal attraction for him and learned a few more pointers about things I had not heard of before, but I still had the feeling that it would be immoral to have an affair with someone you didn't like and gradually I liked him less and less. In fact he was quite boring, despite being some sort of co-producer and fairly clever. He wrote one or two poems to me but I felt they were contrived and insincere. I also was taken to meet his mother who apparently told him afterwards she thought I was bossy. This was because I reminded him to put his scarf on as it was cold when we left the house. I was so used to having a child to talk to and he hadn't wanted to tell her about Jennifer.
Pam and Bertram, my new babysitters, were in a similar financial position to me. We had a lot of fun despite our inadequate resources, and we often went out on strange outings like our picnic at London Bridge station and our walk along the Thames. We were also keen on Freddie and the Dreamers and Bertram liked the Shadows who backed Cliff Richard. We all called each other Auntie and Uncle in those days. It started because Susie called me Auntie Beryl and I retaliated by calling her Auntie Susie, then Shirley started saying 'Auntie Jennifer' and it ended that Jennifer was calling Susie Auntie as well. It became a joke. All females were aunties and all men were uncles. Pam and Bertram had a small dog called Auntie Judy who used to come with us on outings. Shirley wrote a poem about all this too:
'Auntie S and Auntie Sue
Would very much like to say
Would Auntie B and Auntie J
Come to the zoo Sunday.
Auntie Sue is very keen
For Auntie J to come,
Auntie B's invited
(Auntie Jennifer's mum)
Auntie S is at her desk
With little work to do
She is thinking where to go
When the week is through.
Of course the weather may be bad
Or Auntie B and J
Might think the zoo is not the place
To go to on Sunday.
It must of course be borne in mind
That if four Aunties go
Two must not leave on their own
Leaving two on show!'
This poem was illustrated with a sketch of the two of us holding monkeys by the hand and the two children behind bars!
Susie was a very quaint child by the way . Once after her granny had taken her to see the sights of London, including Buckingham Palace, Shirley asked her if she had seen the Queen. Susie answered straight away that she had (this was not the case). Shirley said 'what did she say to you?' and Susie said promptly 'she said "go away, you horrible little girl"' I think most 3 year olds would have said that the Queen gave them a cake or liked their dress if they were living in the realms of fantasy.
Meanwhile, back at the nursery, I had seen a little note in Reception asking if someone would be able to fetch a child and care for her until about 6pm as both parents were working in the West End and could not get back in time. I felt very sympathetic towards them, as I knew how sad I had been at having to leave Flintkote, so I spoke to the Matron of the Nursery and said I would do it. The parents came round to see me and were very pleased and it turned out they wanted to pay me. I had not expected this at all and so I had a small extra income. The child's name was Penny and she was about a year younger than Jennifer. The parents' names were Keith and Toni and we soon became friends. Little did I know at the time that my act of kindness would later lead to my second marriage.
I was still seeing Tony at times and once we got locked in Regent's Park after dark and had to climb out over the railings, which seemed a bit undignified. When Shirley had met him, she had found him quite attractive but I didn't like his neck, which was hairy, not that a thing like that would worry a person who was truly enamoured of another. I was just becoming more and more sure that I would prefer to have no one at all in my life than to feel as uncomfortable as I did about where our relationship might end.
Shirley surprisingly had started going out again with her ex-husband Don, after Percy had gone back to sea. Sometimes I went with them. Don had a crowd of friends and seemed to be living the sort of life Graham had been hoping for. We all went on pub crawls, Shirley and me and about six men. It was pleasant but they all seemed a bit immature to me and I often wondered if they were not completely heterosexual.
When Shirley said she was going to try again at her marriage and move into a new flat with Don, my heart sank. I would soon be back to square one, not able to pay the full rent without sharing. Another snake! I put adverts on notice boards for a suitable person, and eventually found an older divorced lady. But we didn't really get on very well and she very soon moved out and went to stay with her brother in Walthamstow. Of course Shirley stopped paying her half of the rent as soon as she knew I had found another sharer, so I was again in a desperate position when the older lady left.
The next small 'ladder' was that Pam and Bertram next door at last got their council mortgage but were worried about the repayments. They asked if I would like to move in with them to their two bedroomed house as my rent would be a great financial help. This was of course an absolute Godsend at that particular time. The house was in Walthamstow and was very small. But we all got on quite well and I hoped I could settle for a while. It wasn't long before the next 'snake' appeared! Pam found she was pregnant at last and they said they would need the spare room for the baby and wanted to redecorate it, although of course there was no desperate hurry.
It was now August 1964 and I became really determined to stop seeing Tony. I met him on the north side of London Bridge and told him how I felt and that I did not want to see him any more. He was annoyed I think more than anything else though its difficult to read people's feelings when pride and hurt may be involved. He said 'Don't think you can change your mind and phone me again. I won't ever come back' and other words to that effect. I said I understood that it was final, and I went back home northwards and he crossed the bridge and went home southwards and that was that! I felt very relieved.
But knowing that I would soon be out again looking for a place to live that would accept a child made me not only depressed but also tired! I was only 27 but I just felt I had had enough of being insecure and never having a place I could call home, always with the constant problem of money, nursery, job and dwelling place being in a convenient ratio to each other. I thought 'oh well, my parents will get their way, after all my struggling, I just can't go on like this, I suppose I will just have to go back to South Africa', and I felt very depressed, but resigned. I wrote and told them that I would soon have nowhere to live and what I had decided to do and my father said I must go to Thomas Cook's and sort out a passage. He would arrange the money side from his end.
That week on the Friday night, Toni and Keith invited me to a party on the following night and Pam and Bertram were happy to babysit. Toni explained that it was a birthday party for the sister of a friend of theirs in Woodford and they had asked if they could bring me. They said their friend was soon going to be a teacher and that I would like him. I said dolefully that it was unlikely but it didn't matter anyway as I was going back to South Africa. But they seemed really keen that their friend John and I should get together. I only had one decent pair of shoes which I kept in my drawer at work and only brought home at a weekend if I was going anywhere special.
I had to go into the City anyway to speak to Thomas Cook about my booking. Brown Bros. was open on a Saturday so I knew I would be able to fetch my shoes at the same time.
It turned out that Toni had told John about my only having one pair of good shoes, saying that I hardly ever went out and that they were sorry for me. John imagined a very plain dreary lumpy girl with bad acne or some other disfiguring problem, but had kindly agreed that they should bring me along. At that time, I used to make a lot of clothes by hand. Shifts were in fashion and getting shorter although I was not young enough to wear the outrageously short skirts that some did in the sixties. I had discovered that one could buy cheap remnants in the street markets and that night, I wore a royal blue dress I had very recently finished and so I looked quite reasonable.
When we arrived at the party location which was a bungalow in Woodford Bridge, we met Barbra, the hostess, who was turning 27, so she was two months younger than me. It seemed her brother was still in the bath, and while we all sat chatting in the lounge Toni told the other guests about how I would have to go back to South Africa. I said it was not going to be confirmed until the following Wednesday by Thomas Cook and everyone seemed to join in and discuss my problem. When John walked into the room with damp hair and a towel round his shoulders, Toni said 'John, will you marry Beryl before Wednesday so she does not have to go back to South Africa?' He looked a bit astonished and came over and sat next to me and said 'Well, I don't know, we'll have to see if we are compatible first'.
So it all started as a joke and we discussed our interests and ideas and after a while he took me out in the garden to show me his father's pigeon loft and tried to kiss me. I protested that I didn't know him and he seemed to think this was strange and that surely I had known what he had in mind when I went outside with him!
It certainly was a strange start to our romance, one does not usually begin by discussing the possibility of marriage.
Well, I was absolutely entranced by him. I thought he was very good-looking and had a pleasant voice. He was two years' younger than I was and did not seem to mind that I had a small daughter, in fact he was particularly interested in that fact. My head was in an absolute whirl, everything had changed in a couple of hours.
I could hardly sleep that night and the next day Toni and Keith drove me over to see John and the four of us, plus Jennifer and Penny went rowing on a nearby lake. Jennifer liked John and asked if she could sit next to him on the boat and we had a lovely time. John and Barbra's parents were away on holiday at the time but he was able to borrow his father's van and he came and saw me the next evening at the Walthamstow house as well. I found the whole thing very hard to believe. It was so long since someone I found attractive was interested in me. I thought 'I can't go back to South Africa now, I must see what develops'. I told my father and so I disappointed my parents terribly all over again.
I told the girls at Brown Bros. on the Monday and they knew something was different because I could hardly eat. Every time in my life that I have been enamoured of a man, it has affected my appetite. So many times later, I went over and over this again in my mind. Was the advent of John like Buffalo Bill and the Cavalry arriving? Did I unconsciously know that giving way to romantic feelings about him was going to keep me in the London I loved? I am sure I was not intentionally wicked. I really did fall for him, but still have that niggling guilt deep down that it must have been my unconscious mind pushing me to do the thing that would help me to stay.
At the time though, I just felt sick and hardly ate and looked forward to his visits and felt wildly excited about it all, although rather apprehensive about what his parents would say on their return from holiday about their only son dating a older separated woman. And with a child too!
I need not have worried. His mother was kind and dignified, and certainly did not show it if she was a lot less than delighted. His father was a very quiet man anyway and hardly spoke to me at all. Barbra was always pleasant and as my friendship with John progressed and it was realised how short of money I was, she gave me several clothes which she was tired of, including a purple winter coat about which I was very excited. We were then very similar in height and weight.
John helped me to find a place to live, two rooms this time which were in Leytonstone and not all that convenient for the nursery. I had to get up very early in the morning, walk with the pushchair through part of the forest land and to Wood Street station where I left the battered pushchair in an alleyway and caught a train to Highams Park, then went to Liverpool Street from there, after dropping Jennifer off at the nursery.
The lodging house was another grotty place, more similar to the Willesden Green digs than any other I had stayed in. There were only about four families sharing the one bathroom and toilet though. There was an old fashioned Butler sink in one of my rooms and a cold water tap. The two rooms were opposite each other on the top floor so the place did at least have the advantage of the extra space on the landing between the two rooms.
John was working part time for a butcher delivering meat in Chigwell and studying at night to get his 'O' levels so that he could start at Teacher Training College. He had wasted his time at grammar school and seemed to blame his parents for their lack of help with his education. I thought this very unfair as I got to know his mother better and realised she had done the very best for him that her own limited education would allow.
John came to see me at Leytonstone almost every evening after work and naturally very soon he wanted our relationship to go further. I knew how to apply the rhythm method of birth control which I had been shown by the original Roman Catholic lady doctor in Durban at the time of my marriage to Graham. This time I did not have doubts about it being the right thing to go ahead, although our affair did not start until I had known him about seven weeks. I wanted to do anything to make him happy and felt I was free and mature at last.
Very soon, there was an occasion where I felt we were taking rather a chance as it was one day to the side of the 'safe' period, but I wasn't really worried. I was very aware that actions taken have results and I had thought about the risk of pregnancy. I did not exactly want to get pregnant, but I suppose I felt that if it should happen, it would mean I would have a tangible result to remind me of our love when it was over. I thought that it was unlikely that this wonderful romance with a younger man not yet settled in life would last forever, and it never for one instant occurred to me that he would marry me, especially if I were pregnant. My mother's horror tales were still there, deeply buried, and I knew that men deserted pregnant women. Eileen too, had once told me how when she found she was pregnant with Little Graham and told the father, he had not only left his digs immediately but also his job!! I just wanted to live for the day and enjoy it. Also I was aware that as a separated woman, whether with one or two children, it would not make much difference. Both children would take my surname which of course was my married name and I had a certificate to prove this. So I was not particularly worried in this respect.
When I found I was pregnant, it was rather a different story. The reality of it was quite a shock and I started to think about other consequences, like what John's family, who I was getting attached to, would think. I told John of course and was very surprised by his reaction. He very definitely wanted to marry me and told his family who I am sure were horrified, but his mother always behaved correctly, and discussed it all calmly with me and said that she knew her John would 'do the right thing'. For a while I was happy. I remember telling my cousin Ann about it and being quite glowing. I was going to marry the man I loved and have another baby. She seemed very shocked especially as I had known him such a comparatively short time.
When John first told his sister of the situation, she confided that she too had a secret. The man in her life, a policeman called Andy, was actually married with teenage children, although he was unhappy with his wife and hoped to start a new life with Barbra. She was obviously very keen that her parents should not find this out. She explained she had fallen in love with him before he had confessed his status to her.
But as to my situation, it was rather similar to the 'Myrna' situation at High School. I had again rushed into something too quickly. As I got to know John better, he told me more things about himself that astonished me, how he had banged his sister's hand in a car door in anger, and how he had made his father cry with despair only recently. At first I thought he was noble and sensitive to feel guilty and was probably exaggerating, but gradually I began to find out about his temper and moods and how nasty he could be on a bad day. I was quite shocked when the first rage of the kind he had admitted to, was turned against me. After two of these bouts, I began to realise that I was not at all sure that I wanted to marry him, and tried to tell him this. He was extremely angry. I said I could go away quietly, maybe to South London where no one would know me and he asked if I imagined he would not find me wherever I went and did I think he would ever not want to be associated with a child of his. He was interested in children and wanted to be a father and inspire a young life.
Well, I was starting to feel morning sick, though never as bad as it had been with my first pregnancy and life was tiring and difficult and I suppose I was weak but it just seemed easier to go ahead and look on the bright side. I liked his family. I would end up being married to a professional man and have some status. Maybe we would get along better later and everything would settle down. I knew how hard it was to find places to live and the reality was that I would not easily be able to hide away from John and work and pay rent and find a nursery for Jennifer. At about this time, Graham divorced me from South Africa. It was called technical desertion because he had asked me to come back to him and I had refused. It was cheaper for me not to argue about being the guilty party as he would be paying for the divorce and he was keen to marry Laina as soon as possible. My father went to the hearing in Durban and spoke to the person he paid to represent me. This legal chap told my father that Scientology was causing more divorces than all other causes put together. I don't know if that's absolutely true, but I suppose anything that changes people is likely to make them feel unsuited to the partners they had previously chosen when their ways and views had been so different.
The divorce papers were served on me in person at Leytonstone and I was now free to marry John. The wedding was arranged for 10 April. My parents knew all the facts and my mother looked for a suitable astrological date for us to marry. She said there was no really good date but the 10th was the best around that time. So it was arranged at Leyton Registry Office at noon. I was about three months' pregnant. I wore a turquoise coloured dress and jacket. I managed to get a dress that was a size bigger than the jacket and my figure did not look particularly oversized. All the young girls from Brown Bros. turned up at the wedding, it was grey and damp and they sat with headscarves tied round their heads as they had all come on buses from all over East London. Barbra and John's mother were beautifully dressed as if they were going to a really fashionable wedding. Jennifer had a yellow coat and hat and the Rose family, Shirley, Toni and Keith and all the usual people turned up. I was amazed to find that John's parents had bought a wedding cake and there were presents of all kinds set up in John's old room. First we had a special lunch and one of John's old friends was invited as well as Shirley, Susie and John's granny from Tonbridge in Kent. In the afternoon John and I went shopping in his father's car. We went to Higham's Park and I ducked down in my seat when I saw Mrs Rose walking along. It would seem so strange and unromantic when she had seen me getting married just a few hours before.
In the evening there was a party at the Woodford Bridge house and Maureen and her fiancé came and a lot of the family's neighbours. I can't remember what it was about but during that evening John said something very nasty to me and made some criticism which sent me off in tears to a bedroom to try and dry my eyes and hope no one noticed. I remember thinking how rare it must be for a bride to cry in this way on her wedding day.
We had no honeymoon but that night we left Jennifer at his parents' house and we went back to the Leytonstone rooms alone. He moved all his things in and I now had to sleep in the big bed with him, which meant of course that there was no longer any room for Jennifer if she woke in the night, where previously she would have come in with me.
At the time with so much else to think about I did not realise how traumatic this must have been for a four year old. She had always had me to herself and now had to share and must have felt that everything was changing too fast. This is when her psoriasis started. I did not know much about the skin disease except that it was not catching. But people have told me its often started when someone has a shock they cannot understand. Poor little girl! She also started having nightmares and often raced across the landing into the living room, screaming, during the evenings. She enjoyed going on a Sunday to Woodford and having a lovely dinner and walking round the large garden where there was a pigeon loft and a fish pond. But it must have been disturbing for her to see me cry such a lot. She had not been used to this as in the last few years, there had always been laughter, with Shirley, Pam, Maureen and all the others, and all our outings had been happy ones.
I was realising with each successive upset what a big mistake I had made. So
many trivial things seemed to irritate, annoy or enrage John. I had had many
problems in my life but someone really angry and raging at me was something of
which I had no experience. Such little things seemed to upset him and cause him
to criticise. He got quite worked up once when he could not find his pyjamas
because I had put them
underneath his two pillows. He said his mother always put them between and not
underneath! I tried to learn what to do to avoid his perpetual criticism and
anger, but there were always more and more corrections I had to make in my
speech, behaviour, appearance and habits. Someone once said that every happy
marriage is the same, but unhappy ones are all unhappy in different ways.
I could see that it was my fault. Had I not allowed myself to get pregnant so hastily, I would never have married him. I would not have tolerated his rages for long and we would have parted sooner or later, and I would have either returned to South Africa or maybe, more hopefully, would have found somewhere else to live or met a more suitable man. Not that John was not suitable on paper, shall we say? It was rather like communism which was a very good thing when you read about it, in terms of having equality and fair play for all and getting rid of poverty, but caused untold misery when it was forcibly and ruthlessly applied. John was what most people hearing about him might consider a perfect husband. He worked conscientiously, he had high ideals, he came home every night, was never interested in other women, did not drink and let me handle all the money. Another very good point in his favour as far as I was concerned was that he actually liked my cooking. It was one thing he did not complain about, and I still did not have much confidence about my ability in that direction. Jennifer once said later 'I like mummy's cooking ... of course', she added after a pause, 'I like nice food too!'
Although I often thought that John firmly believed that the world would be a better place if everyone did exactly what he thought was right, maybe deep down he was not so confident. A truly confident man would not have minded if his children were sometimes less than perfect. I think he felt that his wife and children reflected on him and his own self esteem was damaged if any of his loved ones failed in any way. This was surely the reason he was so intensely critical of us all. Throughout the miserable 15 years that followed, I think a lot of his anger was also due to disappointment when his plans for any of us were not immediately and enthusiastically agreed with.
Getting back to my pregnancy, when it had reached the six month stage, I left Brown Bros. and soon afterwards, my mother returned to London, and as usual she easily found a bedsitter which was near to us, on the other side of Leytonstone High Road. It was very nice having her company when I went to the clinic and when my time was very near, Jennifer went to stay in her room with her. Even after the birth of my subsequent children, my mother always loved Jennifer the best as she had taken care of her as a baby. When Jennifer went through a stage of not liking her greens, my mother used to make her eat brussels sprouts by putting them in an egg cup with butter and saying it was a special treat.